Night At The Tuntmore
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer and the gang spend a night at a fancy hotel due to one of Mallory's schemes. Which go awry due to arms dealers, cyborgs, a few ticked off exes, robot birds, a lack of ice machines, and a certain pink haired hologram running amok.
1. We're Checking In!

**A fire burned the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some more madness from my tiny little mind. What would happen if the gang spent a…**

 **Night at the Tuntmore**

 **Chapter I: We're Checking In! **

It all started when several members of the agency were sitting in the breakroom reading magazines. Two days after they had finally realized they were getting mail at the office. With the exception of Archer and his mother the gang was all there. Well, literally speaking.

Figuratively speaking is another story.

"Oh yeah…Oh baby…" Krieger was panting over a centerfold. "Look at the particle accelerator! Oh those lines! Whoo hoo! You can blow me up and smash my atoms any time!"

Lana was sitting reading the paper across from him. "It's scary how easily you get excited over the weirdest things."

"Oh like I'm the only one who gets a hard on when he looks at a fine piece of machinery?" Krieger pointed to Cyril.

"Oh baby look at the new twin jack telescopic hole less hydraulic elevators," Cyril was practically drooling over his elevator magazine. "Look at this! Minimal pit and overhead requirements! Accommodates front and rear openings! Both capable of high and low capacity!"

"Weirdo…" Krieger grumbled.

"And no jack hole required!" Cyril whooped.

"That's because there's a jack hole **right here!"** Pam remarked.

"What?" Cyril asked as he looked at his team mates/tormentors giving him odd looks.

"If you have to ask…" Krieger shook his head.

Lana gave Cyril an incredulous look. "How the hell did you ever convince me to have sex with you?"

"A question that has often been asked around this office by great many people," Ray remarked as he read his tea magazine. "My theory is that you couldn't find anyone else that would annoy Archer even more."

"That and his rid-donkulous dick," Pam scoffed as she ate a bear claw while reading a cow magazine.

"Yeah that didn't hurt his chances seeing how horny you were," Cheryl agreed as she read a glue ordering catalog.

"Gotta give it to them," Cyril shrugged.

"How come everyone has so many magazines?" Lana asked. "How do you **pay** for them all?"

"Who says we do?" Pam snorted.

"What?" Lana asked.

"Lana haven't you noticed that all these magazines have our agency's address on them?" Cyril gave her a look.

Lana was stunned. "Oh my God! You bill all your magazines to the agency?"

Cheryl did a slow clap. "Bravo Lana, the last gigantic horse finally finishes the race."

"How could you all siphon money like that for magazines?" Lana asked.

"It's incredibly easy," Cyril shrugged. "See most of these magazines are under subscription publications started by Archer or his mother. It was just a matter of hacking into those accounts and adding our names and what magazines we wanted."

"And since the passwords are always either Duchess or guest…" Ray added. "Well you see where this is going."

"And the best part is Ms. Archer has been passing off her magazine subscriptions as part of the Intelligence Department budget for years," Pam added. "So she could claim it as a deductible."

"But there is no Intelligence Department anymore in this agency!" Lana protested. "How are you all going to explain all these magazines **now?** "

"Oh," Pam blinked. "That could be a problem."

"YOU THINK?" Lana barked.

"Since when?" Archer scoffed as he walked in. "What? What are we talking about?"

"Archer these people have been billing magazines under your account and on our agency's dime!" Lana protested.

"Oh thank you very much Tabitha Tattletale!" Ray scoffed.

"And people say I can't keep a secret," Pam agreed.

"You **can't** keep a secret," Ray pointed out.

"Yeah, I do tend to blab a lot," Pam agreed. "What can I say? Gossip gets me through the day!"

"As well as bear claws, booze and pretty much everything else you do," Archer added with a chuckle.

"Archer these idiots are using your account and your mother's account to buy magazines! Why are you not mad about this?" Lana barked. Then it hit her. "Oh God you're in on it aren't you?"

"To be fair I wouldn't have found out about half of these magazines if they hadn't told me about them," Archer shrugged. "A lot of them are really cool. So I figured as long as Mother is the one actually paying for it…"

"Why does that **not** surprise me?" Mallory stormed into the break room. "Leave it to you to find ways to leech **more money** out of my pockets!"

"Mother I uh…" Archer was stunned.

"Don't bother!" Mallory interrupted. "Even if I didn't hear Lana's big mouth halfway across the office I would have figured it out eventually! Nobody has a seven thousand dollar a year magazine subscription!"

"Well you say that but the costs really add up over time," Archer admitted.

"By the way you slackers I just got off the phone cancelling every god damn magazine subscription that was being sent to this office!" Mallory shouted. "Including some magazines I actually liked! So enjoy your reading! It's the last free ones you'll get!"

"Not necessarily," Pam spoke up. "Sometimes I get some good stuff at the dentist's office. Or in a reading room at a men's club."

"How do you get into a men's club in the first place?" Ray did a double take.

"Well I don't go during normal hours when there are people **there** obviously!" Pam snorted. "Not anymore. Since the restraining order."

"Unbelievable…" Mallory glared at her son. "Even **Pam** can find a way to get into a men's club."

"Oh God! Are you still grinding on about **that?** " Archer barked. "How long are you going to hold a grudge for **that?"**

"Oh I don't know. Maybe **forever?** " Mallory shouted.

"Typical," Archer rolled his eyes.

"Do you have any idea how many **sacrifices** I had to make just for you to get an interview? To even be **considered** for that club?" Mallory shouted. "I had to sit through one of Trudy Beekman's god awful self-congratulatory crap-fests and donate money to some stupid charity for orphans. Or cripples. Or crippled orphans."

"Mother I never even went to Yale, much less graduated from it!" Archer shouted. "And we all know the Yale Men's Club almost exclusively only takes members that went to Yale! Which I never did! Well okay there was that one weekend with those co-eds but still…"

"But there are always exceptions! And if you hadn't defiled the Chairman's sister the night before and urinated in the study…" Mallory snapped.

"Accidentally urinated! I had a little too much to drink…" Archer began.

"Stop the presses," Lana rolled her eyes.

"And that vase looked exactly like a urinal! For a men's club those guys were really uptight," Archer snorted. "They even complained when I brought some prostitutes there."

"At **your interview**! You brought prostitutes to **your interview**!" Mallory shouted.

"It was a gentlemen's club!" Archer protested.

"NOT THAT KIND OF GENTLEMEN'S CLUB!" Mallory shouted.

"Tell me about it. They were a bunch of uptight pricks," Archer snorted. "I'm glad I punched that one guy."

"I even tried to get him into several other clubs in this city!" Mallory snapped. "But as usual Sterling screwed up! Every single one!"

"Not every single…" Archer began.

"Let me refresh your alcohol besotted memory!" Mallory interrupted. "The Metropolitan Club, where you slept with the Treasurer's sister. IN THE COAT ROOM!"

"I didn't know it was his sister! Those people have a lot of family problems!" Archer protested.

"The Friars Club…" Mallory went on.

"More uptight pricks with no sense of humor," Archer waved.

"The Knickerbocker Club with that bra and panty fight!" Mallory snarled.

"Oh come on! You can't see the irony in **that?** " Archer asked.

"Wouldn't have been so ironic since you were using the bras of several of the member's sisters and wives!" Mallory snapped. "The Century Association…"

"I told you! I didn't start that fire!" Archer shouted. "It was the lemur!"

"Who gets a lemur drunk and gives it a lighter?" Mallory asked. "Better yet, who brings in a lemur in the first place?"

"Well obviously I was also drunk…" Archer shrugged.

"The Barker's Club…"

"Mother that club closed down due to poor management!" Archer snapped. "That place had problems way before I tried to join! You can't blame **that** one on me!"

"The Princeton Club…" Mallory began.

"Again I didn't really go to that school," Archer scoffed. "I think…Wait there may have been one weekend…."

"You got drunk and brought in that cab horse which defecated all over their library rug! Which had just been cleaned!" Mallory snapped. "And guess who got stuck with that bill?"

"Who?" Krieger asked.

"As you all can imagine after the fifth or sixth club Sterling was blacklisted from entering any club in this city!" Mallory shouted.

"So what? No big loss! Those places don't allow women and I for one won't stand for an establishment that is so sexist!" Archer scoffed.

"And more importantly a place where you can't score a date," Lana added.

"Exactly! Who wants to just go to some stuffy club full of dudes where you can't pick up women?" Archer snorted. "Besides Ray of course?"

Ray looked like he was going to say something else. Then thought again. "You've got me there."

"Yes, there's a lot of alcohol but there's also a lot of idiots in those places yammering on all the time," Archer snorted. "I don't want to pay for the **privilege** of having my drinking time interrupted by other people!"

"Especially when you get **paid** to do that here," Ray spoke up.

"You've got me there," Archer shrugged. "I never understood why it was so important for you to have me join one of those stupid clubs."

"For starters I wanted to surround you with the best and the brightest minds this city has to offer," Mallory began. "That maybe by being around people like that you would aspire to greatness. Instead of aspiring to… **THIS!"** She pointed to the entire room.

Cheryl looked around. "Who is she pointing to?" She whispered to Pam.

"That you would be surrounded by intelligent people who have intelligent conversations," Mallory sighed. "Instead of being surrounded by… **THIS!** " Again she pointed around the room.

"Again who is she pointing to?" Cheryl looked around.

"I'm not sure," Krieger looked around.

"A man is only as good as the company he keeps," Mallory snapped. "And who do **you** hang out with? The Giant Queen of the Liberal Unwed Mothers. Princess Powderpuff of Robotopolis. The Duchess Dunce-inea of Dimwits. The Baroness of Bearclaws and Bodily Functions. The Clone Kraut Knight of Nazis. And the former Dictator of Desperation. Which makes **you** the King of Fools!"

"Technically I was El Presidente…Not…Never mind," Cyril sighed.

"And even worse is that with you not being a member of any gentlemen's club…" Mallory began.

"I have a Crammers King Card…" Archer interrupted.

"THAT DOES **NOT COUNT**!" Mallory shouted.

"It does so!" Archer shouted. "I get a free lap dance every other Friday, major holidays and my birthday. Not to mention ten percent off of anything I order. Seriously this thing pays for itself in like two visits."

"I mean with you not being part of an **actual club** for gentlemen," Mallory gritted her teeth. "And forgoing that to be a club of horny drunken Neanderthals…I don't have an in with those clubs which means I can't get any decent recruits for this agency!"

" **There** it is!" Lana rolled her eyes.

"Wait, **what?"** Archer blinked. "Mother how does me being part of a stuffy no-chicks allowed club get you recruits for the agency?"

"Dear God the lack of knowledge you have about your job could fill the Grand Canyon!" Mallory bristled. "And still have room for a few sinkholes in Florida!"

"And this surprises you after all these years?" Cyril sighed.

"Don't you know that all the other spy agencies in the world recruit from high end gentlemen's clubs?" Mallory asked. "Hell that's how half of MI6 was started! And that tradition continues to this day!"

"Seriously?" Archer blinked.

"These clubs are perfect breeding grounds for cultivating future spies with good backgrounds and connections!" Mallory snapped. "And if you had a wealthy or royal family that made it all the better! So much easier to get into places and information!"

"What do they do? Just go down there and set up a booth with a sign up sheet?" Archer asked.

"No you…"Mallory growled.

"Hey there! Would you like to join a spy agency?" Archer called out mockingly. "Sign right up for a life of intrigue and espionage! Sleep with beautiful women! Blow stuff up! Get paid to travel around the world…"

"And catch various venereal diseases," Lana quipped.

"That's what we should do!" Pam spoke up. "Set up a booth at some college and recruit people!"

"Oh sure," Ray rolled his eyes. "Just park ourselves in the middle of a crowded college campus and call out, 'Any y'all want to be part of a top secret spy agency that is outsourced by the CIA? Which no **one else** is supposed to know about'?"

"Well you might want to work on the patter," Pam suggested.

"Pam even for you that is a stupid idea," Mallory growled. "Besides Krieger already **tried tha** t a few years ago and it was a complete failure!"

FLASHBACK!

Krieger was sitting at a booth on the grounds of a college campus. Signs were all over the booth saying: ASK ME ABOUT A CAREER IN THE SCIENCES OF SPYING! JOIN THE KRIEGER ARMY TODAY! WHO SAYS YOU NEED A MEDICAL DEGREE TO BE A DOCTOR?

"Hey kids! Like doing weird cool stuff to people and things? Then being a scientist in a spy agency is for you!" Krieger called out. "Enjoy cool gadgets? And drugs? Then join the Krieger Army!"

Krieger frowned. "Huh. Campuses are supposed to be a prime recruiting location. I wonder why no one is coming up to our booth?"

"Rrrrraarrrrrrr…" A velociraptor in a black turtleneck was standing next to the booth holding flyers.

"What?" Krieger asked the creature.

"Rrrarrrrrrrraaarrrrrrrr!"

"You're pretty judgmental for a guy who was giving blowjobs to trannies a few days ago," Krieger folded his arms. "Which reminds me there's a little art film I need your help with."

"SQUEEEEEEEEE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"PIGGLY! STOP EATING THAT FOOTBALL PLAYER!" Krieger shouted as he jumped up and chased after his latest project. "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT EATING HUMAN FLESH?"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Who would have thought a velociraptor would be the **least** bloodthirsty thing to come out of your lab?" Mallory groaned. "Do you have any idea how much it cost me to not only keep you out of jail but to get the charges dropped?"

"How much?" Krieger asked honestly.

"Ten thousand dollars to the college, another ten to the kid your pig tried to eat," Mallory counted off. "A favor from the police department and five hundred dollars in Policeman's Ball tickets."

"Yeah that sounds about right," Krieger nodded.

"And don't get me started about the stupid PETA lawsuits I had to deal with," Mallory grumbled.

"The **pig** was eating the **guy!** Not the other way around as it's usually done!" Archer said. "How could they have a problem with **that?** "

"Who knows with those vegetable loving hippies?" Mallory barked. "The point is you are all idiots and as usual I have to clean up your stupid messes!"

"I thought the point was you didn't like magazines?" Cheryl asked, clearly confused.

"Look at me," Mallory glared at Cheryl. "Are you in there?"

"Not really sure? Am I?" Cheryl blinked.

"Ugh. Unfortunately I actually do need you lot to help me with an assignment," Mallory sighed. "Especially since Ron is being a pill and won't go with me. Needed at the office in White Plains my ass. He's probably off at the track again."

"What kind of assignment?" Lana asked. "What does the CIA want us to do now?"

"It's not for the CIA. But it is a fact finding mission," Mallory explained.

"What stupid scheme do you have up your sleeve this time?" Archer asked.

"Tomorrow I'm going to a women's luncheon from one of the few clubs I'm still a member of," Mallory said. "And if I just show up alone I'll look pathetic. So I'm taking some of you with me to the actual luncheon."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Lana said.

"While the rest of you spy on the guests using Krieger's surveillance equipment," Mallory finished. "Maybe I can get some good blackmail or something?"

" **There** it is," Lana sighed.

"So while the ladies and I are at the luncheon, Sterling I need you, Krieger and Cyril to work the surveillance equipment and see if you can get anything," Mallory told them.

"What about me?" Ray asked.

"I just said the **ladies** are all going to the luncheon," Mallory snarled. "And since the Chairwoman Anise Abberdale-Smythe-Babbington…AKA Bunny…Is only a bad haircut and a few drinks away from joining the Gay and Lesbian community it might not be a bad idea to bring you along Ms. Gillette! Not like you'll be the only one there!"

"Which club is this?" Lana asked.

"The Merry Maidens Society," Mallory waved. "It's a rather new club. Mostly because Bunny thinks the Red Hat Ladies don't drink enough."

"I can see why you would join that club," Pam admitted.

"It's the first annual Friends and Family Luncheon," Mallory explained. "And since I will **not** have a repeat of what happened at the Colony Club…Thank you **again** Sterling for getting me kicked out of that club…You are going on the surveillance team! Got it?"

"For the last time Mother, Mrs. Butterworth came on to me!" Archer snapped. "So we got caught in the hall closet having sex?"

"It was Mrs. Bathington and you were having sex under the podium!" Mallory shouted.

"She looked like Mrs. Butterworth," Archer protested. "If you know, Mrs. Butterworth was white. And twenty pounds thinner. And blonde."

"She's a brunette! It was her daughter that you also had sex with in the closet at the very same luncheon!" Mallory shouted.

"Real classy Archer," Cyril rolled his eyes.

"Shut it Cyril," Archer told him.

"You shut it!" Mallory ordered. "It's being held at the Tuntmore Hotel Ballroom so it shouldn't be that hard to place surveillance equipment in it!"

"Isn't that one of my places you guys blew up?" Cheryl asked.

"Technically it was the North Koreans and only a few rooms," Archer corrected.

"And we kind of trashed another room and a pool when we got into a fight with Kenny Loggins," Pam added.

"Cheryl I need you to not only give us unlimited access to the hotel, but a few rooms as well," Mallory said. "You're all staying overnight to help Krieger set up. And I want you all to be refreshed and on time for the luncheon which starts at noon. So I'm not taking any chances!"

"Uh no," Cheryl said. "I'm not doing that."

"Why the hell not?" Mallory shouted.

"Because I don't want to," Cheryl shrugged.

"You little…" Mallory looked like she was going to spontaneously combust with anger.

"I'll handle this," Pam sighed. She then slapped Cheryl a few times.

"Now make with the free rooms and room service or else I **won't** stop slapping you!" Pam threatened. Then she slapped her again.

"EEEEEEE!" Cheryl cheered enthusiastically. "OKAY! Wait…"

Pam slapped her again. "I said wait, damn it!" Cheryl snapped. "Ms. Archer isn't coming to is she? Ooh! Phrasing! Boom!"

"No! Not Phrasing!" Archer snapped. "And are you coming Mother?"

"Phrasing!" Cheryl called out.

"Damn it!" Archer shouted.

"As much fun as it would be to chaperone you idiots…" Mallory growled. "I think I will forgo the pleasure and spend the night in my own apartment with my husband thank you very much. I'll meet you all early in the morning so be ready!"

"All right! Then let's get packing!" Pam cheered.

"Eh hem!" Cheryl glared at Pam. "Now you can…"

Pam slapped her a few more times. "Ooohhhh!" Cheryl shuddered with pleasure. "Thank you…"

"Just don't screw this up by screwing around!" Mallory ordered.

"Ugh…I can't believe we have to do this," Lana groaned as Mallory left.

"What do you mean? We get a night out in a fancy hotel! Come on Lana we can pose as husband and wife again," Archer said cheerfully. "We'll act like newlyweds as our cover!"

"Yeah…One little problem with that," Lana gave him a look.

Later that night…

"Oh Jesus Christ!" Archer wailed as he changed AJ's diapers on the bed in the hotel room. "How the hell do you make all **that** from just _breast milk_?"

AJ responded with a giggle.

"You know this night might be more fun than I thought," Lana laughed as she watched.

 **What happens next? Well let's just say you can't take these people anywhere…**


	2. Room Service

**Chapter II: Room Service **

"I can't believe I'm rooming with you **again** ," Cyril groaned as he finished unpacking his suitcase in the fancy hotel room with two beds. "And do not go with the queer teasing this time! I'm not in the mood!"

"Oh calm down Cyril," Ray waved as he lay on the bed. He was wearing a fluffy white bathrobe, white slippers and had a white towel on his head. And a green face mask on. "You know I'm a big tease! Besides you do make it kind of easy for me."

"I make it easy for **you**?" Cyril put his hands on his hips.

"Well who the hell takes an hour and a half to unpack one suitcase?" Ray gave him a look. "Even I don't have that much stuff!"

"It's about planning and making sure everything is in its place," Cyril said. "And having less wrinkles on your clothes when you unpack."

"Seriously Cyril. I unpacked, ordered room service, took a shower and gave myself a facial while you were screwing around," Ray waved as he picked up a bottle of expensive Glengoolie Blue Scotch and poured himself a glass.

"Well some of us have more than kimonos in our suitcases!" Cyril snapped.

"I only brought **two kimonos**!" Ray snapped. "One for evening and one for breakfast in our room! God! You are such a picky priss!"

"I don't believe this," Cyril groaned.

"I don't believe how nice those showers are! Ama-ziiiiing!" Ray chirped. "It feels like you're having a spa treatment! Oooh! I should check out the spa while I'm here!"

"You're having a facial **now!** " Cyril snapped.

"I mean for the rest of my body," Ray shrugged. "And it wouldn't hurt you to have a facial. You're starting to get wrinkles."

"I am not!" Cyril protested.

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Why do you always pick a fight whenever we go on vacation?" Cyril shouted.

"It's an assignment," Ray rolled his eyes.

"Whatever!" Cyril snapped. "In our agency it's pretty much the same difference."

"Good point," Ray shrugged as he took another drink.

"And how come you're drinking expensive scotch?" Cyril asked.

"Because I'm thirsty and even more importantly…I can," Ray said. "I just added it to our room tab."

"Ray! You can't just add expensive things to the bill!" Cyril protested.

"What do you care?" Ray asked. "Cheryl and Ms. Archer are going to foot the bill. Why not take advantage of it?"

Cyril paused for a moment. "Order another bottle of Glengoolie Blue and a cheeseburger."

"Screw the cheeseburger," Ray scoffed. "I'm having lobster!"

"Ooh! Even better!" Cyril said. "Yeah I'll have a lobster too. And since we're not paying for it…" He started to raid the hotel bar. "Ooh, I always wondered what twenty dollar chocolate chip cookies taste like."

"Great! We can have a nice night in with dinner and a movie," Ray agreed.

"There is no way in Hell I am watching porn with **you**!" Cyril glared at Ray.

"I meant a regular movie, Ass!" Ray snapped. "And the feeling is mutual! I've seen your browser history at work. Some of the stuff you're into is pretty weird."

"Oh this from a man who has a Lorne Green fetish!" Cyril groaned.

"It's not a fetish! Technically," Ray shrugged. "You know I have Daddy issues! And I like cowboys."

"Well can we steer away from the Ponderosa…uh, I had something for this," Cyril frowned.

"Brokeback Moron?" Ray quipped.

"That's a good one," Cyril admitted.

"Well years of being part of the Mallory Archer School of Gay Bashing have prepared me," Ray grumbled. "At least Maleficent isn't haunting the Tuntmore tonight."

"I'll drink to that," Cyril opened one of the bottles from the hotel bar and drank from it. "Do you want to go to the bar downstairs tonight or…?"

"Honestly I'm not in the mood," Ray waved. "One, odds are somehow Archer will sneak down there and I don't feel like running into him. Secondly, who knows when we're going to be in a fancy hotel like this again? Might as well enjoy the room. And all its amenities."

"Massages?" Cyril raised an eyebrow. "A guy for you and a girl for me?"

"Massages," Ray nodded.

Meanwhile in one of the best private suites in the Tuntmore…

"Oh yeah…" Pam purred as she was getting a massage in the room she was sharing with Cheryl. She was naked on a table. "Julio you are a freaking genius!"

"What's a freaking genius are these gummies Krieger makes!" Cheryl giggled as she ate some of her groovy gummies while she was also getting a massage from a beefy masseur. "Oh I feel so good right now…"

"Me too," Pam nodded. "We should do this more often. Especially without Ms. Archer."

"That does make it better," Cheryl purred. "Harder Trent! I want to feel my bones AAAAAHHHH! That's the good stuff!"

"Speaking of harder how much you wanna bet Archer and Lana are living it up and banging each other?" Pam snorted.

"Ugh! No! They have that stupid gross baby with them!" Cheryl winced. "Which reminds me I totally have to have their room completely and utterly sterilized. Ugh!"

"So they just have to wait until AJ falls asleep," Pam reasoned.

"That would wake up the baby dumbass!" Cheryl snapped. "And trust me, a crying baby is such a turn off. Not as much as when the person you're screwing cries but still…"

"You can totally screw someone and be quiet at the same time," Pam rolled her eyes.

"Really? You can't!" Cheryl quipped.

"You're one to talk Choke-o-hontis!" Pam snapped back. "I bet you a coke they're totally doing it."

"No way," Cheryl snorted.

"Yes way! Archer and Lana are going wild as we speak!" Pam shot back.

In Archer and Lana's room…

"Oooh! Ooh! Ooh!" Archer made monkey noises as he tried to stop AJ from crying in her carry on seat. "Come on AJ! See Daddy act like a monkey? Daddy's a monkey! Oooh! Ooh! Oooh! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU STOP CRYING?"

"Well yelling at her isn't going to help," Lana rolled her eyes.

"I don't get it! You fed her! I changed her!" Archer was extremely frustrated. "What do you want from me AJ? What do you **want** from me?"

"Did you burp her?" Lana gave him a look.

Archer stopped. "That might be it…"

Back to Cheryl and Pam's room…

"Anyway what do you want to do tonight?" Pam asked.

"Or who do you want _to do_ tonight?" Cheryl asked.

"How about these two?" Pam pointed to the men giving them massages. The men suddenly had very worried looks.

"No. We can't," Cheryl grumbled. "Thanks to my stupid grandfather, and my stupider aunts and my stupidest Uncle Charles there's a clause in the employee contract that forbids me and any of my guests from fraternizing with the employees. Stupid relatives."

"Your Uncle Charles, is he the one who ended up getting locked up in that insane asylum and then boiled to death in that tub?" Pam asked.

"Yeah. Aunt Carlotta kind of ordered her brother's death," Cheryl shrugged. "Since she was sleeping with the head of the asylum she could do that. Plus she had to. Said he was a stain on the great family name of Tunt."

"That's kind of a high bar to pass," Pam remarked.

"It was his own stupid fault," Cheryl waved. "I mean it's one thing to sleep with all the hotel maids but did he have to kill them? And eat them? Ew. Gross."

" **Seriously?"** Pam's jaw dropped.

"Seriously," Cheryl shrugged. "Grandpa and my relatives always used to bitch about how Uncle Charles' little habit cut into the hotel profits."

"Damn girl your family is so messed up," Pam whistled.

"Yeah I got a bunch of real psychopaths and sleezebags in my family tree," Cheryl snorted with laughter. "The point is, we can't sleep with these guys but I do want to party. Maybe we should check out the bar after this? Or even maybe check out how Krieger's doing?"

"Nah he said he's got this," Pam waved. "What could go wrong?"

Meanwhile in the Tuntmore Ballroom…

"Krieger-san?" Kreiger's Virtual Girlfriend looked around. There was all kinds of wires and other surveillance equipment in the room. "Hello? Huh! Typical baka! He leave me to do all the work! My motherboard was so right about him!"

Back to Cheryl and Pam's room…

"I'm so bored already!" Cheryl stretched while wearing a white bathrobe. The masseurs had left. "I want to party!"

"Well what do you think I'm doing with this damn telescope?" Pam called out from the balcony. She had a telescope and was also only wearing a white bathrobe. "Looking for a passage to the New World?"

"Didn't they like find that already?" Cheryl asked confused. "Be careful of the balcony. It's kind of low."

"Yeah it is," Pam remarked. "Shouldn't the wall on a balcony on the top floor be higher? So no one falls off by accident?"

"That's what I said but you know? Men designers…" Cheryl shrugged.

"Hold the phone! I think I just found our entertainment for the night!" Pam smirked.

"What? Let me see?" Cheryl took the telescope. "What are you looking at?"

"See those guys in that room on the east wing of the hotel? Fifth down from the top," Pam instructed.

"Oh yeah. Hey those guys look kind of cute," Cheryl grinned. "Yeah I could go for that."

Pam had a huge grin on her face. "I got an idea! Cheryl get me a marker! And something big to write on!"

Meanwhile in that room across from Cheryl and Pam's room…

Fifth down from the top actually but you get the idea.

"Are you ready for the buyer, Sean?" The first man asked in an Irish accent. He was in his thirties with rugged good looks and red curly hair. He was wearing a well-made tan suit.

"Relax Liam," Sean, a man in his early fifties but also strikingly handsome and Irish replied. He had black hair with a black beard peppered with grey that looked very good on him. He was wearing a grey sport coat with a black shirt and black slacks and shoes.

"I just don't want this transaction to get screwed up," Liam said nervously.

"We're part of a secret organization that controls half the crime in the world," Sean told him. "I am aware of the repercussions. All too well."

"Let's go over our cover story," Liam said. "As far as everyone else knows we're brothers on a business trip from Dublin."

"Thank God we're not," Sean quipped. "Otherwise I'd have to commit fratricide."

"Didn't you already kill your brother?" Liam asked.

"Yes, but if you were my brother I'd have to do it **again,** " Sean remarked.

"Now if anyone other than our buyer asks," Liam went on. "We are whisky salesmen."

"Then I should prepare for my role right now," Sean took one of the bottles from the hotel bar. "Let's see if any of this stuff doesn't taste like cat's piss."

"Will you stop acting like a God Damn stereotype and pay attention?" Liam shouted as Sean took a drink. Sean held up a finger while he was doing so. "SEAN!"

"Oh my God will you give it a rest?" Sean snapped. "This is not my first arms deal you know? I have been doing this for quite a while before you were assigned to be my partner."

"Yes and I was assigned to be your partner to ensure there would be no further screw ups within our organization," Liam growled.

"Oh so Barcelona was **my fault?"** Sean shouted. "Because I seem to remember someone else getting very drunk and getting into a firefight in the hotel lobby!"

"Only because you spiked my drink!" Liam snapped.

"I gave you a tranquilizer!" Sean snapped. "Well I thought it was a tranquilizer."

"Knowing you it was probably a leftover from Woodstock!" Liam snapped.

"Can you please stop acting like a priss and **relax** for once?" Sean snapped. "It's simple. We go to the room where the buyer is waiting for us. We show the buyer the prototype for our new laser pistol. We sell the laser pistol and take the money. Then our secondary team will follow the buyer using the secret homing device inside the laser pistol and find out more about the buyer and if he's a double agent deal with him. While we deposit the money with our handler and some of the crew in another room and then spend the rest of the week relaxing in the hotel! How hard is it to screw that up?"

"I don't know but you always manage to find a way!" Liam snapped.

"Why do you always have to pick a fight every time we go on vacation?" Sean groaned.

"It's an assignment!" Liam snapped.

"Whatever!" Sean snapped back. "In our profession pretty much the same difference."

"I just don't want things to go wrong!" Liam said. "And for you to take this seriously!"

"I am taking it seriously! It's not like I'm Skorpio you know?" Sean snapped. "That fat bastard was just incompetent."

"I still say we should have went with that Rodney Whosits," Liam folded his arms. "He seemed to have a pretty good reputation."

"Well we're not. It wasn't our call to begin with," Sean said as he went to the window. "So if this buyer does turn out to be a double agent it won't be our fault!"

"That's the only thing about this that makes me feel at ease," Liam grumbled. "But if something happens I'm not taking the fall for this! You hear me? I'm **not** taking the **fall!** Are you listening to me?"

"Barely," Sean pulled out a small telescope from his pocket and used it to look out the window.

"What are you looking at **now**?" Liam snapped.

"Apparently we're being spied on," Sean snorted.

"WHAT? WHO? THE CIA? THE POLICE?" Liam startled as he practically ran to the window.

"Not exactly," Sean gave him telescope. "The blond is kind of cute."

"Ugh! What is it with you and fat women?" Liam grimaced as he looked through.

"Big boned! And don't knock it until you try it," Sean said.

"I think I'll pass. What are they? You think they're CIA?" Liam asked.

"I highly doubt it," Sean snorted as he took the telescope. "They don't exactly look like CIA material."

"All right! I admit the red head is kind of cute but…" Liam began. "Wait they're holding up a sign."

HEY CUTE GUYS! WANT TO PARTY WITH US? Pam and Cheryl held up a sign. Made out of a sheet. ROOM 2020! PENTHOUSE FLOOR!

"I think we're being invited to a party," Sean grinned.

"We don't have time for…" Liam began.

Then Cheryl and Pam opened their robes and flashed the men. Even without the telescope the men could tell these women wanted to party.

"Well I guess we have a couple of hours before the meeting," Liam blinked.

"Yeah. We've got time," Sean agreed.


	3. Meet Me At The Bar

**Here's the next chapter with some surprising guest stars!**

 **Chapter III: Meet Me At The Bar **

"I'm glad you find your spit up on my six hundred dollar suit very amusing," Archer grumbled as he wiped off the offending item from his shoulder. AJ was sitting back in her carry on seat laughing. "Remind me to take the cost of this suit out of your allowance. When you start getting one."

"I told you to put a cloth on it," Lana smirked.

"In hindsight I should have listened to you," Archer grumbled.

"What? You actually **agree** that you should have listened to me?" Lana was surprised.

"When it comes to AJ yeah I should know by now that you pretty much know what's best for her at least sixty percent of the time," Archer grumbled.

" **Only** sixty percent?"

"Well that number could go up or down as she gets older," Archer shrugged. "Depending on the situation. And how prepared she is for alligator attacks or cyborg attacks."

"I have to admit I'm impressed on how you handled AJ. You're actually really good with her," Lana admitted. "Well when you're supervised."

"I will accept that backhanded compliment," Archer said wryly. "And any, you know? Other form of appreciation. If you get my drift."

"I am **not** having sex with you," Lana glared. "Especially with a baby in the room!"

"Actually I was going for a bottle of Glengoolie Blue," Archer groaned. "But come on Lana! I may be a lot of things but that's not one of them! I mean…Come on! I would never do that! It reminds me too much of…Ughhhhh…" He shuddered violently at the memories.

FLASHBACK!

Six year old Archer was standing in the doorway of his mother's bedroom. "Mother…?" he said innocently.

"Uh Mommy's just playing a game with Uncle Len," Mallory said quickly as she popped her head out from under the covers. "Where the hell is your nanny?"

"I don't know," Young Archer sniffed. "That's why I came to ask you. I can't find her."

"Oh right. I fired her this afternoon while you and Woodhouse were at the park," Mallory remembered.

"What's fired mean?" Young Archer's eyes widened.

"You know how you throw a toy away and you never want to see it again?" Mallory asked. "That's pretty much what you do with an employee. WOODHOUSE! GET THIS KID OUT OF HERE!"

"But I love Nanny!" Young Archer cried out.

"Yeah well you'll love something else," Mallory waved. "People walk in and out of your life kid. Get used to it. Except for me. You'll have Mommy forever. WOODHOUSE GOD DAMN IT YOU'D BETTER NOT BE ON THE FIX AGAIN!"

FLASHBACK!

"Mother what are you doing?" Young seven year old Archer gasped.

"Uh…" Younger Mallory was wearing a schoolgirl outfit and her hair was in pigtails. Another man was tied to her bed. "Just playing a game with your Uncle Teddy. Just a little dress up. WOODHOUSE!"

FLASHBACK!

Seven year old Archer again was standing outside his mother's bedroom. In shock. "MOTHER!"

"Playing dress up with Uncle Buddy," Mallory said quickly. She had a revealing nun's outfit on and another man was tied up on her bed.

"You mean like you did with Uncle Teddy last week?" Young Archer asked innocently.

"Who the hell is Uncle Teddy?" Buddy shouted.

"Never heard of him," Mallory said quickly. "And why aren't you at **boarding school**? WOODHOUSE!"

FLASHBACK!

Archer still seven years old woke up in a hotel room he shared with his mother. "Mother? What's that noise!" MOTHER!"

"Oh for the love of Christ…!" Mallory groaned. She was wearing a pink nightgown in the other bed. "I knew I should have left you at boarding school over the holiday week."

"I was expelled," Young Archer frowned.

"Oh right. But still…" Mallory sighed. She glared at the man next to her. "I told you! You were making too much noise! It's like making love to a female tennis player!"

"So uh, should we stop?" The man asked.

"Hold on," Mallory sighed as she got up and got something out of her purse. "Sterling take one of these and go to bed."

"Is that aspirin?" The man asked as Sterling took it.

"It's something," Mallory shrugged. "Here now have some of Mommy's Scotch to wash it down."

"You really think you should give a small boy a drink with **pills?"** The man was stunned.

"Oh please this stuff is more watered down than New York tap water," Mallory waved as Sterling took a drink. "Besides it's just one little sip. What harm could it do?"

"Whoaaaaaaaaaa…" Young Sterling's pupils widened and he started to giggle. "Look at all the pretty alligators!"

"Yeah go play with the alligators in dreamland Sterling," Mallory sighed as she put her son to bed. "Nighty night."

"Don't worry…" Young Sterling heard his mother as he started to pass out. "In a few minutes an airplane could land in this room and he won't wake up."

"I wanna fly the plane…" Young Sterling moaned as he passed out.

FLASHBACK!

"Is it spring break already?" Mallory wearing black lingerie in bed with another man shouted at an eight year old Archer.

FLASHBACK!

Nine year old Archer was eating breakfast when a man ran by and out the door. "Mother! Mother! There was a strange man in our apartment! Mother!" Young Archer ran to find his mother. "MOTHER!"

He found her.

She was wearing her pink nightgown but she was tied up on the bed stand by her hands with silk ties. "Sterling Honey…Mother needs you to get the good scissors and cut me loose. And then Mother needs to call the police."

"You were robbed?" Young Archer gasped.

"Yeah. And the worst part is the damn bastard didn't even put out!" Mallory snapped.

FLASHBACK!

"Oh for Christ's sake Sterling!" Mallory shouted at her ten year old son. She was naked in bed with another man who was wearing black lingerie. "You **know** what's going on! It's not like you haven't seen this before!"

"AAAAHHHH!" Young Archer ran away.

"You'd think by now he'd know what sock on the doorknob means," Mallory groaned.

FLASHFORWARD!

"So believe me Lana, the **last thing** I want to do is have sex in front of our daughter!" Archer barked. "I don't want her to be scarred for life like I was!"

"Oh Archer…I'm so sorry…I…." Lana apologized.

"Unless of course you want to wait until she goes to sleep," Archer added. "And then we can have a quickie in the bathroom. That's totally acceptable. As long as we're quiet."

"You know I almost felt sorry for misjudging you," Lana gave him a look. "Just for one second. Nearly made that mistake. Almost."

"I'll tell you what's a mistake," Archer grumbled as he looked at the hotel bar. "A fully stocked hotel bar with a refrigerator but no ice in it! Seriously? Carol or whatever her name is this week couldn't spring for some ice in a room?"

"Archer…" Lana began.

Archer went on as he took out a few bottles. "I mean I get not having it in the majority of the rooms here. Yeah. That I can see. But we're on the luxury floors. I mean high paying customers expect a high level of service."

"Archer…"

"It's the little things Lana that make or break a hotel," Archer remarked as he took a quick swig of one of the bottles. "And honestly I'm starting to see why the Tuntmore went down a star on Vacation Guru."

"Wait what…?"

"I went online to check out reviews and to see if there are any hidden perks or specific food specials I should order while we're here," Archer told her. "You can learn a lot of stuff on that website."

"So Vacation Guru…Is that like Trip Advisor?" Lana asked.

"It's comparable," Archer shrugged as he took a drink and finished the bottle. "But according to the website the Tuntmore has been going downhill lately. Apparently it's gotten some kind of reputation for violence."

"You mean like the time we killed a whole bunch of North Korean spies and basically trashed an entire hotel floor?" Lana asked. "Or the other time when you and Pam got into a fight with Kenny Loggins and his security and trashed **another** hotel floor and an outdoor swimming pool?"

"Now that you mention it, that might have something to do with it," Archer shrugged as he took out a box of cookies and started eating from it. "Wow. These cookies do not taste like they are worth twenty dollars a box!"

"Archer…" Lana sighed.

"I mean they taste all right," Archer went on. "I mean definitely better than most brands but **twenty dollars** a box? Seriously? They're not that good."

"Archer…"

"Maybe, maybe **ten dollars** a box!" Archer went on. "Fifteen tops. And that's still pushing it."

"Archer…" Lana was getting annoyed.

"They're not even that big! And the chip to cookie ratio is way down than what it should be," Archer looked at the cookie. "I mean for twenty dollars' worth it should be a lot more."

"I was saying that maybe you shouldn't just grab everything expensive from the hotel bar?" Lana snapped.

"For crying out loud Lana, Cheryl and Mother are paying," Archer rolled his eyes.

"Yeah well knowing them," Lana took a breath. "They'll find a way to make us pay!"

"Probably. I'm going out to get some ice," Archer sighed as he picked up the ice bucket. "Do you want anything else while I'm at it?"

"A new job, a million dollars and the father of my child to not act like a dick all the time," Lana sighed as she picked up AJ. "But I'll settle for some ice and a ginger ale."

"Nice to see you're finally lowering the bar," Archer snorted.

"And it might not be a bad idea for you to check up on Krieger," Lana called out as Archer left. "To see how he's doing with the surveillance equipment."

"Krieger said he could handle it himself," Archer waved. "I'm sure he'll get it done. It'll be fine."

Meanwhile at the Tuntmore Bar…

"I know I really should get back and work on that surveillance stuff but it's been so long," Krieger said cheerfully as he sat at a booth with some old friends. "I haven't seen you guys in ages! How've you been?"

"Not too bad," Dr. Quentin Quinn, a handsome African American man in a stylish black outfit with an open white shirt remarked. "I just finished a research paper. Got a grant for a boatload of cash to study whatever the hell I want. I figure I'd kick back and relax this weekend and explore the city. Enjoy my vacation after the living hell I went through that was my last job."

"Oh come on Quinn. Sea Lab wasn't **that** bad," Dr. Ilad Virjay, an Indian man with a thick Indian accent and a black mustache scoffed. He was wearing a grey shirt with a black tie and a grey suit.

"Easy for you to say," Dr. Quinn grumbled. "You didn't have to deal with that lunatic Captain Murphy every day!"

"No, I just had to deal with all the people he accidentally injured or had to go to the infirmary because of his carelessness," Dr. Virjay quipped. "That's **much** easier."

"Speaking of easier how's those bionics I helped install?" Krieger asked.

"Sound as a pound baby," Dr. Quinn nodded. "Even better now that Dr. V's a cyborg too."

"I agree!" Dr. Virjay revealed that he had a robotic eye as his left eye changed to the color red and back again. "Being a cyborg totally rocks!"

"Oh just a head's up," Krieger said. "Remember my friend Archer I told you about? Still totally against cyborgs so uh…"

"Yeah we know what he looks like," Dr. Quinn said. "Don't engage him. Don't tell him we're cyborgs."

"We cool bro," Dr. Virjay nodded. "Speaking of cool I got those robot chickens you ordered."

"Why do you need robot chickens?" Dr. Quinn asked. "And since when are you in the robot chicken delivery business V?"

"Not everyone is able to coast on government money Q," Dr. Virjay looked at him. "Some of us only have one doctorate you know?"

"And some of us not even that," Krieger admitted.

"I do a little bit of this and that to get by," Dr. Virjay admitted. "My stocks are doing pretty good right about now. But selling lab animals and robot animals online really helps supplement my income."

"But why use robot chickens as lab…?" Dr. Quinn began. "Never mind. I **don't** want to know."

"Technically they're cyborg chickens but robot chickens sounds cooler," Dr. Virjay shrugged. "And it really helps me work on improving my new cyborg making skills. Because you know? Self-preservation and all that."

"He tells me anyway," Dr. Quinn groaned.

"So what's new with you V?" Krieger asked. "Still trying to get the band back together?"

"Yes but you know how that goes," Dr. Virjay waved. "Some guys are still mad at some other guys for sleeping with their girlfriends. While other guys are dead."

"Speaking of dead is it true that Captain Murphy's gone?" Dr. Quinn asked.

"Yeah. Killed by a soda machine," Krieger nodded.

"Damn," Dr. Quinn whistled.

"Just like the gypsy woman said," Dr. Virjay nodded.

"So how's Debbie?" Krieger asked Dr. Quinn.

"I don't want to talk about it," Dr. Quinn folded his arms.

"You broke up **again**?" Krieger asked.

"Ugh always with the breaking up and getting back together with those two," Dr. Virjay groaned. "It's like a bad episode of Friends that never ends. Huh. That sounds like a pretty good lyric for new rock song for my band."

"Sounds like Archer and Lana," Krieger nodded.

"Is it really true that your friend Lana stole Archer's sperm to have a baby?" Dr. Virjay asked.

"Yup," Krieger nodded again.

"Sounds like something my crazy bitch of an ex would do," Dr. Quinn grumbled.

"Dude let it go," Dr. Virjay groaned.

"The woman changes her mind every other day about having a baby and **I'm** the one with commitment problems?" Dr. Quinn shouted. "Bitch please! **You're** the one who has problems!"

"And he keeps going," Dr. Virjay groaned.

"Your needs! _Your needs_!" Dr. Quinn went on. "Well what about _my needs_ woman? Huh? Do you even give a damn about **my needs**?"

"Planet Earth to Dr. Quinn!" Dr. Virjay snapped. "Come back down and **get a grip**!"

"I'm starting to remember why we don't hang out much," Krieger realized.

"Maybe you need to calm down?" Dr. Virjay suggested.

"What I **need** is some good Scotch!" Dr. Quinn snapped. "With some WD40 in it!"

Meanwhile back at Cheryl and Pam's room…

"You heard me! More Scotch! And some kind of oil," Cheryl ordered on the phone. She was in a hot tub with Pam, Liam and Sean. They were all naked, covered only by bubbles and water. "Chop! Chop!"

"Oooohhhhh…" Liam moaned as he ate some groovy gummies. "I feel like I just kissed a rainbow and went to second base with it."

"Oh head's up," Pam said to Sean. "The gummy bears are totally loaded with LSD."

"Just got the message," Sean snorted. "But you're the only high I need. Well that and more Scotch."

Just then a phone rang. "It's mine. Hold on," Sean said as he reached into his pants that were by the side of the hot tub. He answered it. "Talk to me."

Sean waited a moment. "No, as a matter of fact we're not in our room. We've just been invited to a little party. Penthouse floor actually. Guests of Cheryl Tunt. That's right. That's her."

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" Liam giggled. "I know what we should do! I know what we should do! We should become treasure hunters! There's like a billion, billion tons of gold and jewels and stuff…"

"Are there any choking robots?" Cheryl giggled.

"Yeah why not?" Liam said in a chipper voice.

"Yes I'm **definitely** sure it's her," Sean reported on the phone.

"Okay, okay…okay…" Liam giggled. "Get this! We become treasure hunters and go underwater and just take all the treasure and…and…and…"

"Choking robots," Cheryl added.

"And choking robots," Liam said.

"And ostriches," Cheryl added.

"And all the ostriches and we can be rich!" Liam laughed. "And we can swim all day and dolphins will be our friends!"

"Yeah dolphins rule bitches!" Pam laughed.

"What? Look we got time before that," Sean said.

"Hey is that your friend?" Pam hiccupped she was a little tipsy too. "Does he like to party?"

"I'll ask him," Sean told her. He went back to the phone. "Dude you have got to get up here. Well I know it's not part of the plan but this is a golden opportunity! That has literally fallen into our laps. Plus Liam is really wasted which is fun to watch."

" _They call me Flipper! Flipper! Flipper! King of the Sea!"_ Liam sank drunkenly as he splashed around.

"No, I did **not** get him wasted," Sean said indignantly into the phone. "This time."

"Save me Flipper! Save me!" Cheryl laughed as she jumped on top of Liam. "And then choke the hell out of me!"

"You have got to come up here!" Sean said. "Seriously. There's like no security up here. This is even better than the laser deal. Are you kidding? This woman owns half the railroads and trains in the country and is a billionaire! I think our superiors will prefer that to…a transaction of simple merchandise we have for sales!"

"GLUB! GLUB! GLUB!" Liam floundered around, drowning a little because of Cheryl's enthusiasm.

"Cheryl! Don't kill him before you have sex with him! Seriously!" Pam shouted.

"We still have a few hours before the deal!" Sean hissed into the phone. "Seriously! This is a golden opportunity!"

"Hey! Hey! Is your friend hot too?" Pam asked drunkenly. She shouted into the phone. "If you're hot I'll give you a blowjob in the hot tub! Hell if you're hot I'll do you too!"

"Just punch in the number to the penthouse floor!" Cheryl laughed as she pulled Liam out of the hot tub. "There's no security code! First I gotta give this guy mouth to mouth before he can give me mouth to mouth!"

"You got that?" Sean asked. "Yeah I thought that would get you up here. See you soon!"

Sean hung up the phone. "Okay our friend and co-worker is coming up here and we are going to party!"

"WWWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cheryl whooped.

"Now I believe there was some mention of a blowjob?" Sean asked Pam.

Pam smirked and leaned towards him. "Forget the blowjob. I'm gonna rock your world…"

Back at the bar…

"She was my whole world!" Dr. Quinn was now crying into his Scotch. His fifth glass of Scotch. There was also a bottle of WD40 next to the glasses. "She rocked me all night long!"

"Every time he has more than one Scotch," Dr. Virjay shook his head. "Every freaking time."

"It's not the Scotch as much as the WD40," Krieger shrugged. "Some cyborgs just can't handle that combination."

"DEBBIE WHY? WHY? WHY?" Dr. Quinn wailed. "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A TWO TIMING BITCH?"

"And here we go to the next phase," Krieger sighed.

"Just like the Quinn-Tervention just before we all left Sea Lab," Dr. Virjay groaned.

"I don't need her!" Dr. Quinn snapped. "I don't need her! I can do way better than her! That bitch don't know what a good thing she walked out on let me tell you that!"

"You have been," Dr. Virjay remarked. "All night."

"You just need to forget her and get on with your life," Krieger nodded.

"Channel your inner Elsa and let it go!" Dr. Virjay agreed.

"You guys are right," Dr. Quinn sighed.

"Say look over there in the corner," Dr. Virjay pointed. "There are a few band instruments over there."

"Well the Tuntmore does have a band and it plays sometimes," Krieger said. "They're probably going to play later."

"How about we play now?" Dr. Virjay asked. "We could do some jamming tunes! Krieger you can play drums! I'll be on base and Dr. Quinn you play a mean electric guitar!"

"Not like I have anything better to do," Krieger admitted.

"We could play some of those songs we wrote back on Sea Lab!" Dr. Virjay said cheerfully. "My personal favorite: _You Can't Break My Heart Baby Because It's Made Of_ _Metal_!"

"I'm in!" Dr. Quinn agreed. "Let's rock!"

Meanwhile Archer was on his quest for an ice machine.

"How the hell can an ice machine not be on every floor of a fancy hotel?" Archer grumbled as he got out of the elevator and decided to check out the next floor. "Seriously I am going to mention this on Vacation Guru."

He looked around. "I'm already picturing the headline. Tuntmore Hotel: No Ice, No Dice! Wait I had something better for this."

"Hey buddy have you seen an ice machine?" A tall muscular man with brown hair wearing a bathrobe walked over to him holding an ice bucket.

"No. And there's none on the floor above," Archer said.

"Typical!" The man grumbled. "I am definitely going to mention this when I write a review about this on Vacation Guru!"

"Me too. I mean it's a major hotel!" Archer agreed. "How could they not have ice machines?"

"I've gone to Harmond Jameson's Inns that had better ice machines!" The man agreed. "One on every floor!"

"Is that like Howard Johnson's Inn?" Archer asked.

"It's comparable," The man shrugged.

"Lonnie have you found an ice machine yet?" A blonde woman in a bathrobe poked her head out of a door. "The ginger ale is starting to get warm and…YOU!"

"Me?" Archer blinked.

"Sterling Archer!" The woman fumed.

"Sterling Archer?" Lonnie did a double take. **"Sterling Archer?"**

"Uh yeah that's my name," Archer blinked.

"Tiffany?" Lonnie did a double take. "THAT'S STERLING ARCHER?"

"Yeah I just said…" Archer began when he recognized the woman. "Tiffany? Hey I know you?"

" **You're** the Sterling Archer that slept with my wife?" Lonnie shouted. "And gave her some weird venereal disease!"

"Oh…My bad," Archer winced.

"Sterling Archer…" Tiffany growled.

"You're not the Tiffany from the aquarium right?" Archer asked.

"No! I'm the one from the airport!" Tiffany shouted.

"Oh good because that Tiffany was weird," Archer let out a sigh of relief.

"Hey has anyone seen an ice…YOU!" A well-dressed brown haired woman walked up with a well-dressed man.

"What?" Archer asked.

"Archer?" The brown haired woman glared at him. "Sterling Archer?"

"And you are…?" Archer blinked.

"Carol!" The brown haired woman snapped.

"I know a lot of Carols," Archer admitted. "Which one are you?"

"She's the one you slept with!" The well-dressed man shouted. "MY WIFE!"

"Uh that doesn't help…" Archer protested.

"How many Carols have you slept with?" Carol shouted.

"Quite a few," Archer admitted.

"He slept with your wife **too**?" Lonnie asked the well-dressed man with Carol.

"And my sister in law and my mother!" The well-dressed man shouted.

"Oh **that** Carol!" Archer remembered. "From Boston Harbor Hotel. Yeah that was a crazy weekend."

"Randy!" A red haired woman shouted as she came up to them with a man with blonde hair.

"Randy? **This** is the Randy you slept with on our honeymoon?" The blonde haired man shouted.

"Randy? No this jackass' name is Sterling Archer!" Carol snapped. "He's a god damned beer inspector!"

"No, he's not!" Tiffany shouted. "He's some kind of government agent!"

"Government agent? This jackass was tending bar when he seduced my wife!" The blonde man shouted.

"I was on vacation," Archer said. "Long story. Sorry I was just grief banging women to get over my supposedly murdered fiancé…"

"Grief banging?" Lonnie shouted.

"It's a thing!" Archer snapped.

"It is not a thing!" Carol shouted.

"Being wife seducer! That's a **thing**!" The blonde man shouted.

"Dude you were playing golf on your **honeymoon**!" Archer snapped. "Leaving your new wife for a stupid game where you hit a stupid little ball with a stupid little club! Honestly I'm amazed your marriage lasted this long!"

"I'm amazed you lasted this long Randy!" A tanned woman with long curly hair wearing a red dress stormed up to him.

"His name is Sterling Archer," Lonnie said. "It's an alias. We've been over that."

"I lost my fiancé who ran off with my sister because of you!" The tan woman shouted.

"Again you cheated on your husband on the night before your wedding!" Archer snapped. "I remember you! Your name is Carol too! You had like twelve margaritas and were complaining how he wasn't rich enough for you! It's not like you loved him that much anyway!"

"It doesn't matter! I was still out the cost of a wedding thanks to you!" Carol 2 shouted. "You took advantage of me and my bitch of a sister blabbed to my fiancé!"

"Oh now I remember that guy I punched in the freezer walkway," Archer remembered.

"Yeah! He left me and my sister just swooped in and grabbed him!" Carol 2 snapped. "And worst of all, then he got rich and now he and my bitch sister rub it in my face every time I see their smug ass faces!"

"Well obviously your sister liked him more!" Archer snapped. "You shouldn't have taken your eyes off the prize!"

"Sterling Archer!" A beautiful dark skinned woman with medium curly hair and in a stylish blue dress stormed up to him.

"Oh God who are **you?** " Archer groaned.

"Carla! What's going on?" A shorter dark skinned man with glasses and wearing a green sweater vest walked up to them.

"George this is Sterling Archer!" Carla pointed.

"The guy who dumped you in that airport bar and gave you that weird venereal disease?" George remarked.

"You got a disease too?" Carol 2 shouted. "I knew that was from him!"

"With the itching and the unusual swelling of the…?" The blonde man began. "Oh my God I knew I didn't get that from playing golf!"

"How could you do that? How could you just sleep with any woman that just walks your way without any thought of consequences?" Tiffany shouted.

"Yeah how? Don't leave out any details," George remarked. Carla glared at him. "Because you are a bad, bad man. Very bad."

"Good save," Carla glared at him.

"Well it was nice seeing all of you…" Archer decided to back away. "But I need to find an ice machine…"

"You're gonna need it!" Tiffany snarled.

"With all the ass kicking we're going to do because we all hate your guts!" Carol 1 shouted.

"Technically I don't," George shrugged. "If it wasn't for you Carla wouldn't have settled for a guy like me. But you know…? Gotta please the wife…"

"Yeah I get that," Archer sighed as he pulled out his gun. "Look I didn't want to play this card because a friend of mine owns this hotel and I really don't want to be responsible for another rumor of violence in this place but…I own a gun."

"So do we," Carol 1 pulled a gun out from her purse. And so did her husband. And a few other people. "Well quite a few of us actually."

"Uh oh…" Archer gulped. Since he didn't feel like getting into a shootout in the hallway where the odds were he'd probably lose, he decided to run.

"COME BACK HERE YOU WIFE STEALING BASTARD!" Lonnie shouted as he chased after him.

"LONNIE! WAIT!" Tiffany ran after him. "I WANT TO KILL HIM TOO!"

"Who would have thought that a lifetime of screwing around with other women would have **consequences**?" Archer groaned as he ran. "Other than the four strains of venereal diseases that are named after me."

"GET HIM! DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!" The mob screamed as they chased after him. "TEAR HIS EYES OUT! KICK HIM IN THE BALLS!"

"Yikes! Some people are just so touchy!" Archer groaned. "YOU KNOW IT'S NOT LIKE I PUT A GUN TO YOUR HEADS TO MAKE YOU SLEEP WITH ME! IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO YOU KNOW? OKAY MAYBE IN THIS CASE TWO DOZEN BUT STILL…"

"GET HIM! GET HIM!" The Mob shouted as they chased him. "I WANT TO SEE HIM SCREAM IN AGONY! ME TOO!"

Archer knocked over a bellhop with a cart to slow down the mob behind him. "Great! Where are the stairs in this place?"

He rounded another corner and saw a bellhop come out of a room. "Any port in a storm!" He ran into the room and shoved the bellhop out of the way before the bellhop could close it.

"Sorry about this! But I'm kind of running for my life here!" Archer closed the door and locked it.

He turned around and saw a woman with short black hair and fashionable black glasses wearing a bathrobe lying on the bed. "Okay definitely glad I ran in here," Archer preened.

"Sterling Archer?" The woman was stunned.

"Do I know…? Oh wait…" Archer then recognized the woman. **"Valarie?"**

"Been a long time Archer," Valarie glared at him. "After that business in Portugal. How long has it been? Six? Seven years?"

"What the hell is this?" Archer grumbled to himself. "A convention of women I screwed?"

"Looks like," Valarie pulled out a large sliver gun from behind her pillow and pointed it at Archer's head.

"And of course one of the women I run into has to be a freaking **assassin!"** Archer groaned.

"I prefer to think of myself as a freelance problem solving consultant," Valarie glared at him.

"Well that's just smart branding," Archer remarked. "Hey are you still with those guys in the metal suits? What were they called? The Extraordinary League of Iron Man Copycat Dumbasses?"

"That's a good a name as any for those losers," Valarie groaned. "And no. It didn't work out. Not for lack of trying. We had a few missions but, uh. It just didn't work. Not that much of a demand for them."

"I know how that goes," Archer admitted. "Great, running from an angry mob into the room of an angry freelance problem solving consultant! What did I do to deserve this?"

"More like **whom** did you do to deserve this. By the way how's Pam doing?" Valarie asked.

"Oh she's fine," Archer shrugged. "You know? She's around here somewhere."

"That's good. I've always liked Pam," Valarie said.

"Well you two do have a lot in common," Archer admitted. "By the way do you still carry around that designer bug-out bag you always carry? Pam wanted to know where you got it."

"Yeah it's by that lamp with the ugly lampshade and it's a custom Relic bag," Valarie nodded. "I know a guy."

"Is that like Fossil?"

"It's comparable," Valarie admitted. "I'll let her know where she can get one because, you know? You'll be…"

"DEAD! I WANT HIM DEAD!" Tiffany was shouting outside the door. Someone shot open the lock and the mob managed to rush in.

"Why doesn't **everyone** just rush into my room?" Valarie snapped. "Don't mind me! I just paid for the room! And I'm probably going to have to pay for the freaking door!"

"Oh, sorry," Lonnie apologized as the mob stopped.

"We were just trying to kill this bastard," Carol 2 said.

"Yeah! I figured that," Valarie snapped as she stood up waving her gun. "So was I! I mean the bastard not only figuratively and literally screwed me in the past, he gave me some weird ass virus! My vagina felt like a freaking volcano for a week!"

"And whenever you peed it felt like lava was coming out of it as well as that weird gold liquid pus?" Carla asked.

"Exactly," Valarie said.

"Oh yeah, I've been there," Carla said.

"Me too. And me. My sister got that. I think I got the guy equivalent of it…" The mob agreed.

"Look obviously we all want this asshole dead because let's face it, he's the world's biggest douchebag," Valarie sighed. "But if we all shoot him at the same time it's just going to be over far too soon. And it will wreck the room even more. I mean, I'm probably going to be charged for the door as it is!"

"Oh yeah," Lonnie said. "Sorry about that."

"Our bad," Carla agreed.

"Here's what I propose," Valarie said. "We tie him up and turn him into a human piñata. Taking turns to beat the sh…"

Just then as she was speaking a few smoke bombs rolled in the middle of the room. "SMOKE BOMBS!" Valarie realized.

"Smoke bombs?" Carol 2 asked. "I think you mean sh…"

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!

Smoke filled the room. "Oh great! He got into my smoke bombs!" Valarie shouted. "Stupid Valarie! This is just what he did in Portugal!"

"Cover the door so he won't escape!" Lonnie shouted.

"Make sure he doesn't get out of this room!" Valarie coughed. "ARCHER YOU ASSHOLE!"

"He's in the bathroom!" Someone shouted. "Let's go in there and get him!"

There was a rush to the bathroom. "WHERE IS HE? IS HE IN THE SHOWER? WHERE IS HE? GET HIM!"

"He's not here!" Lonnie shouted. "I don't see him!"

"OW! WHO STEPPED ON MY FOOT!" Tiffany shouted.

"Oh sorry," George said. "OW! Someone get their elbow out of my eye!"

"Wait! He's not in here!" Valarie realized as she glazed around the crowded bathroom. "He must be…"

CLICK!

"Outside…" Valarie growled.

"Wow I didn't think that would work," Archer remarked as he locked the door by shoving a chair next to it. "Man it must be like Night At the Opera in there."

"Oh great! He pulled a Marx Brothers!" Valarie snapped as she tried to open the door but there were too many people to move. "Will somebody move their elbows?"

"I would if someone gets their face out of my back!" Carol 2 shouted. "Get out of my face!"

"You get out of my face!" Tiffany shouted.

"Wow I would have thought Valarie would have learned not to keep smoke bombs so handy in her bag after what happened in Portugal," Archer remarked as he left the room. "And she kept it by that lamp with the ugly lampshade."

"ARCHER WHEN WE GET OUT OF THIS BATHROOM YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!" Valarie shouted.

"I have to pee," Carol 1 said.

"Me too," George groaned.

"I think I'd better go find an ice machine on another floor!" Archer groaned as he ran off. "Preferably one a lot less violent than this one!"

However…

Down in the kitchen of the Tuntmore Hotel…

"Get those mushrooms prepped! Slice those carrots! Chop up those eggplants!" The Head Chef of the Tuntmore Hotel ordered his staff as they ran around prepping and cooking. "I'm sick of people complaining about our food not being fresh enough or fancy enough! Thanks a lot Vacation Guru! For making my job a thousand times harder!"

"Is that like Trip Advisor Chef?" A sous chef asked.

"It's comparable," The Head Chef shrugged. "NOW GET TO WORK MAGGOTS!"

"Ewww…" Some chefs winced.

"Oh right. Not the best imagery you want in a restaurant," The Head Chef winced. "That one's on me. My bad. Forget the maggots. Uh make that…GET TO WORK CHICKEN NUGGETS!"

"Much better Chef," A sous chef said. "More appropriate."

"Yeah that does work better," The Head Chef agreed. "Now where is that lazy kitchen boy?"

"Here Chef! We got some fresh food right there!" The Kitchen Boy and two other sous chefs came in wheeling in some crates labeled chickens on a loading bed.

"What in the name of Julia Child is **this?** " The Head Chef snapped.

"I just saw these crates labeled chickens in the garage and I heard the clucking so we assumed it was a delivery," The kitchen boy shrugged.

"Yeah the company that delivers our food has really slipped up in quality these past few months," Another chef agreed.

"These chickens are supposed to be dead!" The Head Chef snapped. "But I guess fresh chicken isn't the worst thing in the world. Open the boxes up!"

"You're going to kill the chickens?" A chef gasped as the Head Chef grabbed a huge cleaver.

"No, you idiot! I'm going to give them a free dinner on the house and then a massage!" The Head Chef snapped as some sous chefs opened up the crates. "Of course I'm going to kill them! You idiots pluck the…"

Just then he looked inside one of the crates. Chickens with cyborg parts looked up at him as one.

"Uh that's not normal is it Chef?" The Kitchen Boy asked.

"No it is not," The Head Chef blinked.

"Bawwwwwwwwkkkkk" One of the robot chicken's eyes glowed red and a laser beamed out of it.

And the laser blasted the cleaver right out of the Head Chef's hand.

"Uh oh…" The Head Chef gulped. "This can't be good."

"IT'S ALIVE!" Someone shouted.

"BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKKK!" The robot chickens cried out as one before they attacked.

The Terror at the Tuntmore had begun…


	4. Where's The Ice Machine?

**Chapter IV: Where's The Ice Machine?**

"I can't believe one of the masseuses was one of Ray's old flames," Cyril grumbled. He had gotten dressed and was now walking the hallway. "Well at least I had dinner and a massage. And to be honest I didn't really want to stay in the room anyway. I mean I've never even visited this hotel. It's a well-known city landmark. So why waste an opportunity to explore?"

"I wonder what's going on downstairs at the bar?" Cyril stopped and thought to himself.

Down at the bar…

 _"Sea Lab! Underneath the water! Sea Lab! Under the sea!"_ Dr. Quinn was singing as he was playing guitar. Dr. Virjay was playing base and Krieger was on drums. They were all playing on the small stage at the Tuntmore Hotel Bar.

"Oh yeah baby!" Dr. Virjay whooped.

 _"You had your chance Debbie!"_ Dr. Quinn was adding new lyrics to the song. _"And now I'm fancy free! At the bar is where you'll find me…"_

"Those are not the lyrics…" Dr. Virjay said.

"They are **now!** " Dr. Quinn snapped. Then he went back to singing. _"At the **strip club!** Throwing hundred dollars! Strip club! Gonna have a party! Strip club! Gonna make time for __**me!**_ _"_

"Lead guitarists!" Krieger rolled his eyes. "Always have to be divas!"

"Take it Dr. V!" Dr. Quinn whooped as he played guitar.

"Take it **where**?" Dr. Virjay snapped.

"Why don't you take it out of here?" The seven musicians that had been hired to play were standing to the side furious.

"You riff raff are the reason this hotel is getting a bad reputation," Another musician holding a flute scoffed. All the musicians were dressed up in suits and ties.

"Yeah and obviously you wouldn't know good music if it bit you in the ass!" Dr. Quinn snapped.

"It's called rock and roll bitch!" Dr. Virjay agreed.

"It's called a bunch of drunks that had one drink too many," Another musician scoffed.

"They sound like those no talent hacks from Canada," The first snooty musician agreed. "What were they called?"

"Rush. Like their music which is too rushed!" Another musician added.

" **What** did you say?" Krieger's attention was fully had. "Excuse me **what** did you just say?"

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh…You gone done it now," Dr. Virjay shook his head.

"Big mistake…" Dr. Quinn agreed.

"I believe you were disparaging one of the greatest if not **the greatest band** in the world," Krieger got up and glared at the musicians.

"If they're so great how come they never won a Grammy?" Another musician asked.

"Everyone knows those awards are fixed!" Krieger snapped.

"Yeah fixed so bad music can't be rewarded," The first musician said.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!" Dr. Virjay and Dr. Quinn winced.

 **"WHAT?"** Krieger shouted.

"He done it now," Dr. Virjay repeated.

"Now you're in for it," Dr. Quinn snorted.

"How can you call yourselves musicians without embracing the greatness of Rush?" Krieger shouted.

"Because we can actually **hear music,"** The first musician snickered. His band snickered in an equally snobby way.

"RUMMMMMMMMMMMMMBLEEEEEEEEEEE!" Krieger shouted when he dove off the stage tackling the musicians.

"Oh yeah! Now it's a party!" Dr. Quinn whooped as he dove into the melee.

"I always wanted to test my bionics in a real fight!" Dr. Virjay agreed. "It's on bitches!"

Soon Krieger and his friends were fighting the musicians in a brawl. Security tried to break the fight up but ended in the middle of the fight. Apparently…

"It's those snobs' own fault for dissing Rush!" One security guard said to another.

"Rush sucks!" The other security guard snapped.

"YOU SUCK!" The first security guard punched the other one. Soon security guards were fighting each other as well.

And then a few patrons at the bar got into the fight. Well the ones that didn't run away. Pretty soon there was a mini riot going on. Chairs were being broken. Bottles broken.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" A musician was thrown through a window.

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! CYBORGS ROCK! WHOOOO!" Dr. Virjay whooped.

"Lucky for that guy we're on the ground floor," Krieger blinked before he ducked a fist and punched back.

Basically it was an insane mess.

"I knew I should have listened to my girlfriend and gotten that job at The Four Seasons," The bartender sighed as he wisely stayed out of it and poured himself a drink.

Let's go back to Cyril…

"If only that female masseuse was interested in me," Cyril sighed. "Oh well, maybe I'll find someone at the bar? Or maybe I'll have a snack in the restaurant? For some reason that lobster didn't fill me up. I wonder what's on the menu?"

Funny thing about the restaurant…

The robot chickens were clearly upset. They were running amok in the kitchen attacking everyone in sight.

"BAWWK! BAAWWWKK!" A couple of robot chickens were pecking a chef as he ran around.

"I can't believe we're being attacked in our own kitchen by robot chickens!" A chef groaned as he and a few others were hiding behind a counter.

"I can't believe Chef had a range of assault rifles hidden in a secret compartment," The Kitchen Boy remarked as he held a large rifle.

"I always knew this day would come," The Head Chef growled as he cocked his weapon. "Deep down I always knew. I hoped I was just being paranoid. But I **knew!** Oh yes! I knew one day our food would rise up and turn against us! It was only a matter of time!"

BAAAWWWWWWWWWWK!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAPPPP!

"I just wasn't expecting the lasers," The Head Chef gulped.

"BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKK!"

ZAAAAP!

"BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWK!"

"I thought it was going to be a like a virus thing," The Head Chef explained.

"Yeah I see where you're going with that," A waiter nodded.

"Like we'd all be poisoned and get really sick and half the population would die off or turned into some kind of walking dead zombie," A female chef admitted.

"More like a lot of throwing up," The Head Chef said. "And while we were throwing up some of the animals would take advantage of the chaos and attack us while we were distracted."

ZZZZZZZZZZZZAAPPP!

"All right! We need to outflank these fowl before they…" The Head Chef began.

"BAWWWWWWKKK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Get into the restaurant," The Head Chef groaned. "All right new plan! Let's go out there and make Chicken Cacciatore out of anything with feathers! CHARGE!"

The armed kitchen staff shouted and screamed as if they were going to war. Which they were. Against their own food.

"IT'S ALIVE!" A restaurant patron screamed in terror as a robot chicken jumped on the table.

"NOT FOR LONG IT'S NOT!" The Head Chef shouted as he blasted the chicken to bits. "YEAH! GET SOME! GET SOME! GET SOME!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" A waiter ran for his life from a robot chicken mob.

"SOMEBODY GET THESE BIRDS OFF ME!" That same chef with the two attacking chickens stumbled about.

"THIS RESTAURANT IS SO GETTING A BAD REVIEW ON VACATION GURU!" One man shouted as he fled for his life.

And back to Cyril again.

"I could always check out the hotel more," Cyril remarked. "I wonder where the ice machines are?"

BANG!

"What the hell was **that?** " Cyril was stunned. Something had jostled his attention He looked at the floor. "Is that a **bullet**?"

One floor below…

"All right which one of you assholes jostled my arm?" Valarie shouted to the others still trapped in the bathroom with her. Her hand holding her weapon was raised upwards. "This is an extremely powerful weapon with bullets capable of passing through walls! You could get someone killed! Someone other than Archer that is…"

"Sorry…" George groaned.

"I mean yeah we want _Archer_ dead but **nobody else**!" Valarie snapped. "So if you idiots move a little and let me get to the door maybe I can shoot us free!"

"That's a good plan," Someone said.

"Who said that?" Carol 1 asked.

"I'm the bellhop that Archer guy knocked down," The man said. "I just joined the mob because I was mad."

"Now if whoever is in front of me move to the left…" Valarie said. "No! My left!"

"Which is your left?" Carla asked.

"You're not in front of me!" Valarie snapped. "Whoever's in front of me move to my left! No that's wrong! You're going right!"

"Where am I again?" George called out.

"Ow! Who stepped on my foot?" Carol shouted.

"Get off my back!" Tiffany shouted.

"What are you complaining about? You've never had problems with someone on your back before!" Lonnie shouted. "Or your front."

"Now don't start that again!" Tiffany shouted.

"If you hadn't slept with that asshole Archer none of this would have happened!" Lonnie shouted.

"Oh yes. This is all **my fault!"** Tiffany snapped "Let's not even **mention** the three secretaries you screwed in one weekend!"

"Oh for God's sake…"Lonnie groaned.

"She does kind of have a point there Lonnie," George said.

"You stay out of this George!" Lonnie snapped.

"Don't tell him what to do!" Carla snapped. "That's _my job!"_

"I swear if I could find out where you are standing I'd slap **both** of you!" Carol 2 shouted.

"I'd like to see you try it!" Carla snapped. "Actually where are you? I can't see you at all!"

"Who's tongue is on my neck?" Carol 1 shouted.

"This is gonna take a while," Valarie sighed as the people in the bathroom argued among themselves.

Back to Cyril…

"Wow maybe this place does deserve its reputation for violence?" Cyril gulped as he went into the elevator. "Who knew Vacation Guru could be so accurate?"

Cyril looked around as he rode down to the lobby. "Wow. Look at this paneling. And plush carpet. And are those 3900 Luxroar cables? You can't hear a thing!"

Cyril let out a shudder of pleasure. "Oh baby this is a top of the line elevator. I bet if this old girl could talk…"

The elevator stopped and Cyril reluctantly got out. "Aw man. Elevator rides never last long enough."

"What does it say when an elevator ride is the highlight of your night?" Cyril sighed.

Of course Cyril didn't notice the sounds of chickens clucking as well as laser and gunfire. He didn't notice the stampede of security personnel running into the bar. And he certainly didn't notice the panicked people at the front desk screaming their heads off.

He was just too enthralled about his ride in the elevator. "Well I suppose one more little ride won't hurt?" Cyril shrugged as he went back in and pushed the elevator button.

He rode up to his floor and had a look on his face of pure happiness. "You know. It's always been a dream of mine to ride the best elevators in the world. I mean, I did enjoy the elevator in the palace in San Marcos. Before the whole palace got blown up."

"And I did ride the elevator in the Sea Lab. Before **that** got blown up," Cyril sighed. "But I did ride an elevator in Paris. At ODIN. That didn't get blown up. Just my relationship with Lana."

The elevator opened up on his floor. "That was really fun," Cyril admitted as he got out. "Not as much fun as the one in San Marcos. I had sex in that one! Wow. Those chambermaids were really friendly. And limber."

"Then again…" Cyril looked behind him. "When will I have an opportunity to…? Oh why not?" He went back into the elevator. "Why should Ray be the only one having sex tonight?"

Meanwhile Archer was on another floor still looking for an ice machine. "Seriously? I've been on three floors and a mob riot and still no ice machine."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" He heard screaming on the floor.

"Make that two mob riots," Archer groaned.

"GHOSTS!" Several other people ran past him. "THERE ARE GHOSTS IN THIS HOTEL! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! GHOSTS! AAAAHHH! I DIDN'T SIGN UP TO BE AN EXTRA ON AMERICAN HORROR STORY!"

"Ghosts?" Archer's tone was worried. "Cheryl's hotel has **ghosts** in it? Why does this not surprise me?"

"AAAAAHHH! GHOSTS! GHOSTS!" A couple burst out of their room in their pajamas and left the door open. "PINK HAIRED JAPANESE GHOST! AAAHHHH!"

"Wait _pink haired_ …?" Archer did a double take. He went into the abandoned hotel room and took a look. "Oh it's **you**!"

"Hiya!" Krieger's VGF was floating around inspecting the hotel room. "Such a nice hotel room! Krieger-san never takes me anywhere this nice!"

"So I'm guessing Krieger wandered off. You got bored and decided to wander around," Archer guessed.

"Bingo," Krieger's VGF nodded. "Why are you wandering around?"

"Besides hiding out from an angry mob of ex-girlfriends and their husbands who all want to kill me for no reason?" Archer admitted. "I'm looking for an ice machine."

"Oh."

"So if we run into an angry mob of people with guns…" Archer thought. "Actually it might not be a bad idea if we hang out together. You can scare the angry mob. If they ever manage to escape the bathroom I locked them in."

"Huh?"

"Long story. Have you seen an ice machine anywhere around here?" Archer asked.

"I think there is one on penthouse floor," Krieger's VGF said. "Where crazy gaijin bitches are."

"Come on. We can take the elevator," Archer sighed. "Might as well see what those idiots are up to."

Funny thing…

Meanwhile back at the penthouse…

"So this is actually a real live **laser gun**?" Pam whistled as she looked at the weapon in the hot tub with Sean. "Like in Star Wars and everything?"

"Just like in Star Wars," Sean said. "Our scientist just developed it and we're going to sell this prototype to a buyer."

"Cool! Can I have one?" Cheryl asked. She was in her bathrobe sitting at the bar in her penthouse.

"I think we can come up with something, right Pete?" Sean asked the newcomer at the bar.

Pete was a muscular man in his early forties with dark hair and an unshaven face with two day old stubble. He was wearing a grey T-Shirt with a black leather and black jeans and boots. "I think we can work something out," He smirked with an upper class British accent.

"Good cause I'm only willing to go up to four or five million for one," Cheryl said.

"Up to four or five…?" Pete did a double take then looked at Sean.

"Did I tell you or what?" Sean smirked.

"We can **definitely** work something out," Pete grinned. "After we sell this one to our buyer. And when Liam gets sober."

 _"Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your booty_!" Liam was dancing around only wearing his pants. _"Shake your booty!"_

"What did you give him this time?" Pete asked Sean.

"It wasn't me," Sean snorted with laughter. "Well at least we got the stick out of his arse."

Just then the penthouse bell door rang. "It must be our buyer," Sean said. "I told him to come to the penthouse."

"It's open! COME ON IN!" Cheryl yelled.

Just then the buyer walked in.

"Okay I'm here now do you have the…" Slater walked in and did a double take. "Are you **kidding** me? I don't **believe this!"**

"Hey Slater!" Pam cheered. "Come on in! This party is just getting started and this hot tub is bitchin'!"

"Slater?" Sean did a double take. "I thought your name was Harlan?"

"Nah it's Slater! He's with the CIA!" Pam said.

"Yeah he's kind of like our boss because he assigns us missions and stuff," Cheryl said.

"WHAT?" Sean and Pete shouted at once.

"What?" Liam started to sober up. "IT'S A TRAP!"

"I hate you people so much…" Slater groaned as all the men went for their weapons.

That's when things really started to go downhill.


	5. Time To Check Out

**Chapter V: Time to Check Out **

"Now I can't find the elevator!" Archer grumbled as he and his intangible companion walked the hallways. "I was just in it a few minutes ago! Damn it! These hallways all look alike! Another complaint I am going to put on Vacation Guru!"

"Down this way I think," The pink haired hologram pointed.

"Are you sure?" Archer asked.

"I have GPS system in my programming but it needs to be updated," She shrugged. "But I am pretty sure it is this way."

"I don't know…" Archer frowned.

"THAT IS DISGUSTING! OH MY GOD! SOMEONE CALL SECURITY!" Several female voices were heard.

"Hello…" Cyril's weak voice was heard.

 **SLAP!**

"OWWWWW!" Cyril moaned.

"Oh it is this way," Archer remarked. "You were right." They followed the sounds of disgust and outrage.

Four women stormed by them. "I have never been so disgusted in my life!" The first one snapped. "Where's security when you need them?"

"I told you Vacation Guru was never wrong," The second said.

"That is the most disgusting thing I saw in an elevator since my sister's bachelorette party in Vegas!" The third said.

"Never coming here again," The fourth agreed.

"Hey Cyril," Archer smirked as he saw Cyril in the elevator with his pants around his ankles and a huge red slap mark on his face. "What's shaking? Besides your hand obviously."

"Archer what are you doing…?"Cyril was clearly embarrassed as he pulled his pants up. "And what's **she** doing here?"

"Krieger ditched her and now she's scaring people by making them think she's a ghost," Archer said as he got into the elevator and pushed the button for the penthouse floor. "I think she's seen one too many episodes of Scooby Doo."

"And Archer is running from angry mob of ex-girlfriends and husbands who want to kill him," Krieger's VGF added as the door closed and the elevator went up.

"Gee I wonder **why**?" Cyril rolled his eyes as he zipped himself up.

"Judgment from a man who was just caught playing with himself not even two minutes ago?" Archer shouted.

"Oh like you'd pass up a chance for sex in an elevator like this!" Cyril snapped back.

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't agree to that statement," Archer admitted. "Although in my case I have an **actual woman** in the elevator with me instead of…"

As the door opened they heard sounds of gunfire. Then half a second later a laser blast zinged through the open doorway of the penthouse and hit the space right between Cyril and Archer.

"GET DOWN!" Archer got down and pulled out his weapon.

"AAAII! LASER BLASTS!" Krieger's VGF gasped in terror.

"And gun fire!" Archer shouted as he burst out of the elevator, dragging Cyril with him.

"Are we under attack by the Sith Empire or what?" Cyril shouted. "And why did you drag me with you?"

"So you could soak up the bullets," Archer said. "Like Brett used to."

"Oh no! It's a trap!" Krieger's VGF gasped as she disappeared into the wall.

"Don't leave us!" Cyril cried out.

"What the hell is a hologram going to do in a gun-slash-laser fight?" Archer barked. "I bet laser blasts can actually kill her so it makes sense…"

A familiar scream was heard. "Was that Cheryl?" Cyril gasped.

"GET YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME LICKBAG!" Pam's voice was heard.

"Pam! Cyril cover me!" Archer said as he prepared to go in.

"WITH **WHAT**?" Cyril shouted.

"I DON'T KNOW! JUST COVER ME!" Archer shouted as he rushed in.

"Again with…?" Cyril looked around and saw something. "Oh…That could work. It did the last time I was here."

"ALL I WANTED WAS TO GET SOME GOD DAMNED ICE!" Archer shouted as he fired and ducked for cover behind the bar. "IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?"

He was able to see that somehow Cheryl was being held as a human shield in her bathrobe by Pete. Pam was fighting naked with Sean who was trying to return fire but having trouble holding onto his laser gun. And Liam was wobbling around trying to shoot but missing wildly.

"Oh and of course **you** show up!" Slater snapped. He had also somehow managed to get cover behind the bar.

"Slater?" Archer did a double take.

"I **knew** it! I knew if anyone would screw up this operation even more it would be **you!** What the hell are you assholes doing here in the first place?" Slater shouted.

"Well this is the **Tuntmore Hotel!"** Archer shouted over the shooting. "The name is kind of a clue!"

"I knew this place sounded familiar!" Slater shouted as he fired back. "But that still doesn't explain what you guys are doing here?"

"Looking for a god damn ice machine!" Archer shouted as he fired.

Slater called on his phone. "This is Bravo! Where the hell is my backup?"

"Sir Team Two is having a little problem on the floor where we're stationed," A reply was heard. "There's an angry mob of people with guns running around. They keep screaming something about an Archer, VD and a piñata!"

"Oh yeah," Archer shrugged as Slater glared at him. "Funny story about that."

"OW! OW! OW! HELP ME!" Sean was being repeatedly punched by Pam. "SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

"I'm a little busy here!" Pete yelled as he tried to control a squirming Cheryl.

"Hey! I like it rough pal but not with bullets!" Cheryl snapped. She bit the arm that was holding her.

"OW! OW! OW! OW!" Pete still held onto her. "YOU BITE WORSE THAN MY EX-WIFE!"

"What about Team One!?" Slater shouted.

"Half the team is in a brawl at the bar and the other half…" Another reply shouted. "God! You don't **want** to know what's going down here! AAAAAAHHH!"

"What are you idiots doing down there?" Slater glared at Archer.

"I honestly have no idea," Archer said. "But fifty will get you a hundred somehow Krieger's involved."

"That's a pretty safe bet," Slater grumbled.

"LIAM YOU DRUNKEN ASSHOLE HELP ME!" Sean shouted.

"They're all around us! They're **everywhere!"** Liam screamed as he shot wildly.

"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEE!" Cyril screamed as he blasted the fire extinguisher foam into the room.

"What the…" Pete gasped at the sight of Cyril. Cheryl took advantage of the distraction to elbow him in the gut and break free.

"CAROL! GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Archer shouted. She did. Just before Archer shot Pete in the head, killing him instantly.

Meanwhile Cyril was blowing more foam into the room. He directed it at Sean. "PAM GET AWAY FROM HIM!"

"I can't believe I gave you a ride on the Pam Train!" Pam shouted as she managed to throw Sean off her and back into the hot tub.

"AGGGHHH!" Sean gasped. He was covered in water and foam. The laser gun in his hand began to crackle and fizzle. "That can't be good…Oh…Shhhhh…."

 **KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

The hot tub literally exploded in a blast of electric fire, water, foam and blood. Pam, Cheryl and Cyril barley managed to make it to the bar for some cover. "Wow instead of a blow job he got a **blown up** job!" Pam quipped.

"Ehhh…" Archer shrugged. "You could do better."

Liam was not so lucky. He was slightly caught in the blast. His arm was on fire. "AAAHH! AAAH!" He ran out to the balcony in a drunken panic.

"I got him!" Archer went to shoot Liam.

"Archer no! Wait!" Slater shouted. "Don't…!"

BANG!

"Shoot him…" Slater groaned as Liam was shot in the shoulder.

"AAAAHHHH!" Liam staggered backwards and fell off the balcony.

"Wow, that is a really low wall for a balcony this high up," Archer blinked.

"YOU IDIOT!" Slater shouted.

"What?' Archer asked.

"Uh you dicks totally wrecked the hot tub!" Pam snapped. "Thanks a lot!"

"That wasn't what I meant!" Slater shouted.

"Ugh. Great," Cheryl folded her arms and pouted. "This hotel is so going to lose another star on Vacation Guru."

"I DIDN'T MEAN THAT EITHER!" Slater screamed.

Lana meanwhile was in her room holding AJ. "How long does it take to get ice? If he's in the bar chasing bimbos again…"

That was when she heard an explosion. "What the hell was **that?"** Lana blinked.

Then she saw Liam falling to his death right by the window.

"Oh dear…A very large bird just fell from the sky," Lana blinked, clearly lying to her daughter. "Very, very large bird…A very large…Flat bird."

Speaking of birds….

"BAWWWWWKKK!" A robot chicken screamed as it was fried to death by the Head Chef's flamethrower.

"WHO WANTS SOME FRIED CHICKEN?" The Head Chef cackled madly. His sleeves had been torn away revealing his bare muscular arms. "HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Where did a chef get a flamethrower?" A CIA operative shouted as he crouched under a table near a few waiters.

"You don't want to know," One waiter sighed.

And at the bar…

"Wow that was fun," Dr. Quinn looked at all the unconscious people around them.

"It felt so good to kick ass and take names!" Dr. Virjay said cheerfully. "I think now I will take some wallets!"

"You can come out from under the table now," Dr. Quinn said.

"I wasn't hiding," Krieger came out from under one of the tables. "I just lost my contact lens."

"You don't wear glasses," Dr. Quinn said. "Let alone contact lenses."

"Well then I guess that's why I couldn't find them," Krieger looked around. "Wow did we really make a mess in this place."

"Uh oh…" Dr. Virjay looked at the wallet in his hand. "I think we are in a bigger mess! Some of these people are CIA!"

"Oh that can't be good," Dr. Quinn winced.

"Shall we leave and pretend we were never here?" Krieger suggested. "And never say anything about this to anyone? And if anyone does mention anything we'll just lie and say our evil twins did it?"

"Good idea," Dr. Quinn said as they started to leave the bar.

As they left the bar there was a scream. "I'm not a ghost! Get over it!" Krieger's VGF floated by. "Hai ya."

"What are you doing here?" Krieger asked.

"Krieger-San! Big trouble!" The pink haired hologram chirped. "Archer and crazy bitches in gunfight on penthouse floor."

"Dear God! I'm glad you told me that!" Krieger said. "Now I know what floor to avoid!"

"Very helpful," Dr. Virjay nodded.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Also there are robot chickens fighting chefs, waiters and CIA in restaurant," She pointed with her thumb behind her.

"I thought I smelled fried chicken," Dr. Virjay remarked. "Uh oh…"

"Wait the CIA is in the restaurant too?" Dr. Quinn did a double take. "What is this? A convention? Oh boy…"

The three of them followed the sounds of explosions and clucking. "Wow, it looks like what would happen if Colonel Sanders and Colonel Panic ever went to war!" Dr. Virjay whistled.

There were CIA and staff fighting for their lives. CIA and chefs shooting robot chickens. Robot chickens using their lasers to attack people and blow up tables and chairs. Some chickens were pecking people. Other chickens were getting blown up and feathers were everywhere.

"Oh dear…" Dr. Virjay winced. "Somehow my chickens have hatched into an angry mob."

"How did those damn things get out in the first place?" Dr. Quinn snapped.

"Don't yell at me! I left them securely locked in their containment crates!" Dr. Virjay snapped.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" A woman screamed as she walked by seeing the hologram. "A GHOST! AAAAHHH!" She ran away.

"I am not a ghost! Stupid gajin bitch!" Krieger's VGF shouted.

"Yeah we're getting a lot of attention thanks to her," Dr. Quinn pointed to the hologram. "Krieger could you…?"

"Go wait in the van!" Krieger ordered his girlfriend.

"I not your servant!" The pink haired hologram was offended. "I go when I want to go!"

 **KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

"Oh my God! The kitchen is on fire!" Someone screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAHH! **I'M** **ON FIRE!** AAAAAAAAHHH!"

"I go now," Krieger's VGF said as she floated away.

Right through a wall. Some people running by saw this and screamed. "GHOSTS!"

"OH GO BLOW YOURSELVES!" Krieger's VGF popped her head out and stuck out her tongue before disappearing.

"Maybe we should go too?" Dr. Virjay suggested as the people ran away and the man on fire ran around in the restaurant.

"That might not be a bad idea," Dr. Quinn blinked as he watched tables and chickens being set on fire as the man ran around.

"THIS IS THE CIA! AND THE POLICE!" Some voices called out.

"In fact it is a **very good** idea!" Dr. Quinn gulped. "Good to see you Krieger. We should do this again sometime. And by sometime I mean **never!"**

"Oh I am not being deported **again**!" Dr. Virjay shouted. "Sorry Krieger buddy but you are on your own!"

"Figures," Krieger groaned as the two cyborgs ran away very quickly. "Well at least things can't get any worse!"

And of course things were going to get worse. Much worse.

Because by now it was no longer evening. It was morning.

Mallory Archer stood there in the parking lot watching the smoke coming out of the hotel and the chaos. "Oh dear God what fresh Hell is **this**?" She groaned. "Please let it not be Sterling and the idiots…Please let it **not** be Sterling and the idiots…"

"For god's sakes someone cover up that dead body!" Someone was heard shouting.

"I never saw a flatter corpse in my life," A green looking young police officer walked by with an older one.

"Well that's what happens when you fall from the penthouse," The older cop remarked.

"Ghosts! Pink haired Japanese ghosts!" Some other people screamed as they ran into their cars and drove away. "I'm never coming back here again!"

"Bawk…Bawk…Bawk…" A robotic chicken ran by her.

Right onto the street.

HONK! HONK!

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHH!

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH! SMASH! SMASH! CRASH!

HONK! HONK! HONK!

SCREEEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHH!

SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHH!

CRASH!

SMASH!

"BAWWWWWWWKKKK!"

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCHHH!

CRASH! SMASH!

"I can't leave these idiots alone for a **minute** …" Mallory groaned as she witnessed the robot chicken walk harmlessly away from the huge twelve car pileup it had caused.

SCREEECCCCCHHHH!

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"Buckawwwwwww…." The robot chicken walked harmlessly away from another car crash it caused.

"Not a **single** **minute** …" Mallory pinched the bridge of her nose.

Twenty five minutes later in the parking lot of the Tuntmore behind a collection of CIA vans…

It was a scene of somewhat orderly pandemonium. People were evacuating the hotel. Some were being arrested. Some were running from the police and CIA. A few stray robot chickens were escaping or being shot. As the ambulances were rolling away and fire engines were putting the flames out in the hotel another figurative fire was just starting.

"I should have known," Hawley growled as he glared at Mallory Archer and her agents who had all gotten dressed again. "I should have **known** you idiots would be behind this screw-up!"

"How the hell was I supposed to know you were running a sting operation here?" Mallory snapped.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Hawley snapped. "This better not be a freelance mission! Which are illegal as I explained to you about **twenty times** but for some reason you never seen to listen to me!"

"It's **not** a freelance mission," Mallory huffed. "I just thought I'd treat my staff to a night off."

"While setting up surveillance cameras so she can spy on her friends in this club that's meeting here and get blackmail to…" Cheryl spoke up.

"CHERYL!" Mallory shouted.

"What? It's a **personal** mission! Not a freelance one!" Cheryl snapped back. "Totally different!"

"And still totally illegal," Hawley groaned.

"Oh please like you lot never spy on your own dime!" Mallory waved.

"Yes, but we don't interfere with **real missions**!" Slater snapped. "Or completely disrupt a sting operation!"

"So what? Those guys are dead! We won!" Archer shrugged.

"We won _squat!_ " Slater snapped. "We wanted them **alive!"**

"Do you have any idea **how long** it took just to get a meeting with those guys?" Hawley shouted. "We were going to use them to infiltrate an extremely powerful secretive international criminal agency that makes the Mexican Cartels look like Girl Scout troops! And that laser weapon we were going to study and improve upon for ourselves!"

"But now thanks to you idiots we're back at square one and over a year of hard work has been flushed down the drain!" Slater snapped. "Way to go morons!"

"My superiors are already fuming about this debacle!" Hawley snapped. "And one of them Ms. Archer is _You Know Who_. And he is **not** happy!"

"He _isn't?_ " Mallory gulped.

"No, he's **not,"** Hawley growled.

"This was one of **his** _personally approved_ missions," Slater explained. "He really wanted that laser weapon."

"Which of course you idiots destroyed!" Hawley snapped. "We know there were other agents of this criminal organization hiding in this hotel. But since my agents were too busy dealing with the fights, riots and downright disasters your people created they got away! As well as a few other people on our wanted list we were tracking!"

"Oh by the way Pam, Valarie says hi," Archer said.

"Awww…" Pam smiled.

"Yeah she got away too," Hawley grumbled.

"Just like Portugal all over again," Lana groaned.

"Oh my God Lana how long are you going to blame me for that?" Archer groaned. "As I have said a dozen times, what happened was not my fault!"

"Of course it was your damn fault!" Lana barked. "You're the one who got drunk and shouted at the top of your lungs the whole mission to everyone in the lobby! Then you started that shootout and lost the diamonds we were supposed to recover down a toilet!"

"I'm gonna have to take her side on this one," Slater pointed to Lana. "It does sound like your fault."

"Shocker," Archer scoffed rolling his eyes.

"As is you flushing this operation into a toilet as well! And I don't even want to know what **this one** was doing with those stupid robot chickens that ran amok!" Slater shouted as he pointed at Krieger.

"That wasn't my fault! For once," Krieger admitted.

"Yeah right," Ray scoffed.

"Pull the other one!" Cyril said.

"I've had agents injured and killed because of you people!" Hawley shouted. "And do you know how much this is going to cost to cover this up?"

"Yeah well my hotel was wrecked because you assholes decided to play Mission Impossible without my permission!" Cheryl snapped at Hawley as she stormed up to him. "And I expect you to pay for all the damages or I'll sue!"

"Dream on, Scratch and Sniff!" Hawley snapped.

"Actually she can sue," Cyril spoke up.

"What?" Hawley turned on Cyril.

"There are actually several precedents for this," Cyril admitted. "Basically the law states that a law enforcement agency has to inform the owner of a hotel if they are conducting an operation if they are conducting an investigation or a sting operation that could put either/or the hotel, their employees or their customers at risk."

"Which you didn't," Cheryl smirked.

"That can't be right," Hawley blinked.

"It is. I used to be a defense attorney and yeah, one of my clients just happened to work for the FBI," Cyril said. "Interesting story. Short version, you're liable."

"Oooh! You got lawyered! Holla!" Pam whooped. "You got Figgis Newton-ed!"

"Yeah so I expect this bill to be paid by the end of the week or you're going to hear from my attorney bitch!" Cheryl snapped.

"Ha! Ha! HA!" Archer laughed.

"Oh you think this is **funny** don't you?" Hawley glared at him.

"I do," Archer grinned. "I really do."

"Oh well then how's this for grins?" Slater smirked. "We're going to take the payment for the Tuntmore out of **your salaries**!"

"That's not a bad idea," Hawley growled. "More specifically what we give to Ms. Archer to run her office every month!"

"What? You can't do that!" Mallory shouted.

"Yeah he kind of can," Slater said with a satisfied smirk.

"Because this wasn't an official mission I don't have any grounds to terminate your incompetent asses. So I'll have to settle for the **next best thing**!" Hawley snarled. "But mark my words Ms. Archer, one of these days your agency of idiots is going to push me too far! And on that day there will come a reckoning! I will personally make sure that you idiots won't be able to do **divorce court investigations** , much less espionage ones!"

"Oh change the record!" Archer scoffed. "You keep saying that!"

"Well one day I am actually going to follow through with it!" Hawley snarled.

"And I am going to enjoy that," Slater agreed. "Very much."

"Needless to say, but I am going to say it **anyway** …" Hawley growled. "This incident **never happened!** _Got it?_ And…POOVEY PUT DOWN THAT DAMN CELL PHONE BEFORE I SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

"All right! Jesus!" Pam grumbled as she put it away.

"Do you people have **any concept** on what a secret spy agency **actually is?"** Slater shouted. "I can tell you what _it isn't!_ It's **this** group! I've seen stampeding bulls that are more discreet than you people! And they cause a lot less damage!"

"You morons can't even do a bunch of courier missions right!" Hawley shouted.

"That was Archer," Cyril pointed. Archer glared at him.

"If I hadn't sent Slater to tail you and take those secret documents of the German Embassy while you were at the bar the other night **who knows** what would have happened?" Hawley snapped.

"That was **you?** " Pam snorted. "Oh my God! Archer got beat up for nothing!"

"That is funny," Cyril grinned.

"The only reasons you morons haven't been fired yet is because of **two things**!" Hawley snapped. "Number One, your contract states you have to do a certain number of missions before I can legally fire your asses."

"Of course at the rate you're going, it won't be that long before you reach that number," Slater said. "You're more than halfway there if we count the secret courier missions."

"Which we are," Hawley growled. "And the second reason is Ms. Archer's standing with _You Know Who_ …"

"Which is also dropping faster than a price of chocolate rabbits the week after Easter," Slater smirked. "So I wouldn't count on that egg in the basket because it is seriously cracked."

"Especially now that he's **moved on** , in the romance department as we say," Hawley smirked. "Apparently he's now back together with his wife."

"THAT BITCH?" Mallory bristled.

"Yeah. Who knew a man would go running back to his wife after one of his **many** mistresses screws up so badly?" Hawley sneered. "And they are a nice couple. Have so much in common. Like how they both **hate you**!"

"Uh oh," Mallory blinked. "That's not good."

"Neither is your agency," Slater said. He glared at Archer. "Or your employees!"

Hawley glared at Mallory. "If I were you, I'd seriously either start looking for a new line of work or get new employees!"

"She tried that," Cheryl spoke up. "Nobody else wants to work for her."

"I can't imagine **why**!" Hawley snarled as he and Slater stormed away.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Did you see the look on their faces?" Archer snickered. He stopped when he saw his mother's. "Uh oh…"

"Let me see if I get this straight," Mallory's eye began to twitch. "I give you all a very simple assignment. All you had to do was set up some surveillance equipment and get ready for a party. That's **it!"**

Mallory took a deep breath. "And what do I **get**? Dead bodies! Fires! A shootout with the CIA! Angry mobs roaming the hotel! Another black mark against my agency and a gigantic bill to boot! People panicking because of a fake ghost sighting! _Thank you very much_ for **that** Krieger!"

"You're welcome! Oh wait…" Krieger winced.

"Another huge bill from what I assume you morons putting outrageous things on your hotel tab!" Mallory went on. "A brawl in the Tuntmore Hotel Bar!"

"Again that was Krieger," Cheryl spoke up. "And his friends. Who were those guys?"

"Nobody you know," Krieger waved.

"Don't forget Cyril was caught masturbating in the elevator," Archer said cheerfully. "Again!"

"Hey at least I wasn't running from an angry mob of former flings who wanted to kill me!" Cyril snapped. "Or having sex with criminals wanted by the CIA!"

"Trent is **not** a criminal!" Ray shouted. "He's just having some money problems and has to stay off the radar for a bit until he can get enough cash together to…"

"I was talking about Pam and Cheryl bonking a couple of arms dealers the hot tub," Cyril gave him a look.

"But nice to know you were doing **your part** Miss Gillette," Mallory groaned. "You and Lana!"

"Me? What did **I** do?" Lana barked. She was holding AJ in her arms.

"Mr. Archer?" Cheryl quipped.

"She wouldn't let me," Archer admitted.

"Told you," Cheryl said to Pam. "You owe me a coke."

"Ooo…" Pam lit up.

"The soda! Not actual cocaine!" Cheryl corrected.

"Aw man," Pam grumbled.

"Again what did I do?" Lana asked Mallory.

"I was referring to forcing Sterling to go roaming around the hotel like lost bellhop looking for ice!" Mallory snapped. "If you kept him in the hotel room there would have been one less mob riot! And a lot fewer bullets in the walls!"

"Me? But…" Lana was frustrated. "Cheryl's the one who doesn't have ice machines where they should be!"

"She does have a point there," Cyril said.

"Seriously girl what is up with that?" Ray asked.

"It would have been faster to have the kitchen sculpt an actual ice sculpture made out of a swan or something!" Archer admitted. "Not that there's a kitchen left…"

"Oh right. The proverbial cherry on top of this sundae of stupidity is a destroyed restaurant, a busted up bar and a twelve car pileup on the freeway!" Mallory screamed. "Thanks to Krieger's latest stupid experiment! WHICH HE SHOULDN'T HAVE EVEN BROUGHT HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

"Hold on! Those robot chickens weren't mine!" Krieger began to protest. "Yet."

"Don't bother Krieger! Those feathered freaks have your signature stamped all over them!" Mallory shouted.

"Yeah but…Wait when have I ever brought some kind of mutated animal or robotic…?" Krieger began.

"You're _kidding_ right?" Archer asked.

"Well not **that** often," Krieger shrugged.

"How about almost **all the time**?" Ray snapped.

"Name **one**!" Krieger protested.

"Piggly," Ray spoke up. "Goatly. Sheeply."

"Those weird Loch Ness Monster rip offs you abandoned in the Galapagos Islands years ago," Lana added.

"Piggly Two," Ray added.

"Katya!" Mallory added.

"Goatly Two," Ray added.

"The turtle you stole from the Galapagos Islands," Cyril added.

"Those other turtles you stole from that park," Cheryl added. "And put rockets on their shells."

"The electric bobcat that escaped **into** Central Park," Ray added. "And still can't be found to this day!"

"The exploding mice," Pam added.

"The radioactive mice," Lana added.

"The invisible mice," Archer added. "Which were only partly visible so they didn't live up to their name."

"The robot mice," Ray added.

"The super intelligent mice and rats that escaped," Archer added. "And have probably built a hidden city underground with their own society like a rip off of NIHM."

"The Acoustic-Kitty debacle with the CIA!" Mallory added.

"The radioactive lemur that bit me!" Cyril snapped.

"The radioactive penguins that pecked me!" Archer added.

"The electric squirrels that killed a couple of people," Lana added.

"The acid spewing squirrels that killed other people," Mallory added.

"The exploding gophers that wrecked that golf course," Ray added.

"That velociraptor. I don't know where you got **that one!"** Pam added.

"Or the robot dinosaur with the chainsaw," Cheryl added.

"The time you tried to create actual Jackelopes," Cyril added.

"The time you tried to create unicorns," Pam added.

"The time you tried to make an actual Chimera," Ray added.

"The time you tried to make a griffin," Archer added.

"The fire breathing pigeons that you were trying to pass off as phoenixes," Cheryl added.

"Gobo, the fake Jersey Devil!" Mallory snapped.

"Those other weird things that…I have no idea **what** they were," Archer said. "It looked like you were trying to make your own Pokémon."

"All those other mutants you made in your lab," Pam added.

"Those weird clones of yourself you had in your lab," Lana added.

"Those **other** weird clones of yourself in San Marcos," Cyril added.

"Those neon glowing butterflies," Cheryl added.

"The mutant bees that infested your lab," Ray added.

"The radioactive ants that infested my office!" Mallory added.

"Those weird radioactive cockroaches that infested half the block," Lana added.

"Those **other** weird radioactive cockroaches that you left behind in that hotel in Portugal," Archer added. "And odds are they are still running around there with like a billion of their grandkids."

"Those weird radioactive spiders," Cheryl added. "That are probably still running around Maine."

"Your weird virtual girlfriend!" Mallory added. "Which I have really come to hate now!"

"Piggly Three," Ray added.

"Those interns that went feral," Lana added.

"Milton!" Mallory added.

"That rabbit you put the mind control chip in first before you put it in Len Trexler," Cyril added. "The chip, not the rabbit obviously."

"Those other mutant radioactive rabbits you tried to breed for some reason," Lana added.

"That cow you once tried to attach robotic wings to," Pam added.

"Those geese you tried to get to lay golden eggs but instead laid radioactive ones!" Ray added. "AKA Goosey Numbers One through Seven!"

"The weird thing that looked like a cockroach had a baby with a mouse that you lost!" Archer added. "What was it called again? Ratroach?"

"The Cockamouse!" Cyril said.

"Yeah **that**!" Archer nodded.

"That creepy robot that looks like something that is the offspring of Teddy Ruxpin and the Terminator," Cheryl said.

"Wait Cyberneddly Teddly **is real**?" Archer asked doing a double take.

"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded. "That giant lizard thing."

"You mean the velociraptor," Pam suggested.

"No, the **other** giant lizard thing," Cheryl corrected. "Like a giant komodo dragon."

"Oh yeah there was that too," Lana remembered. "I remember seeing it."

"Sheeply Two," Ray added.

"Pinchy! The giant mutant lobster that nearly ate us all!" Archer barked.

"The evil cyborg flamingos that nearly killed us all," Cheryl added.

"WHAT?" Archer did a double take.

"Don't ask," Ray groaned. "The Krieglins!"

"The sex robot," Pam added.

"Chokebot," Cheryl added. "Which was a different kind of sex robot."

"Those weird glowing rainbow bats," Pam added.

"The cyborg rats," Archer added.

"WHAT?" Ray did a double take.

"Don't ask," Archer groaned. "Then there was that weekend with those genetically warped horses at the track…"

 **"What?"** Mallory did a double take.

"Don't ask," Archer and Ray said at the same time.

"Those super chinchillas you tried to breed for their fur but almost made coats out of us!" Lana added.

"Gillette!" Mallory pointed to Ray.

"You know?" Ray glared at her.

"Mr. Monkey," Lana added.

"Oh my god I almost forgot about Mr. Monkey!" Archer groaned.

"How could you **forget?** " Pam asked. "Mr. Monkey tore your suit! And threw up on you!"

"Yeah but I already had thrown up and my suit was already torn so…" Archer shrugged. "I was really drunk that day. I swear my date from the night before slipped me some kind of LSD laced roofie."

"She did and you were," Mallory glared at her son. "But for once your monkey business was secondary to the _actual monkey_ doing his business! On a prospective client."

"When was **this?** " Cyril asked. "I don't remember **that one!"**

"It was when you were taking your little _vacation_ upstate," Mallory sighed. "After Lana dumped you for cheating on her with whores. And then you tried to blow up the office in your underwear."

"Krieger decided to get one of those helper monkeys to help him in the lab because all the interns kept getting killed or mutated," Pam explained. "And the surviving ones refused to work for him."

"That one was on me," Mallory sighed. "I thought it would be cheaper than interns and fewer medical forms I had to sign."

Ray gave her a look. "He convinced you that he could train the monkey to pour drinks for you didn't he?"

Mallory shrugged. "I would be lying if I said that wasn't a factor."

"Figures," Ray groaned.

"Long story short," Pam sighed. "Giving a helper monkey mutating drugs, alcohol and an unlimited access to weapons is a bad idea."

"And an even worse one to try an impress some rich client who wants protection for his skeevy whore of a daughter," Cheryl snorted.

"It's also a bad idea to let Cheryl anywhere near a prospective client," Mallory sighed. "Not only did we not get the job, I ended up paying that little tramp's medical bills. It's not like she lost her whole ear when the monkey bit her!"

"And that monkey is running around somewhere in Peru because…" Pam sighed. "Well you really don't want to know the details."

"You really don't," Ray agreed. "What else are we forgetting? I know there's more on the list."

"The Sea Pams," Pam spoke up.

"The **what?** " Everyone else but Krieger asked as they did a double take.

"That one was kind of on me," Pam admitted. "See I asked Krieger to help me make a better stronger fighting fish."

"They were stronger! Better and faster! And unfortunately they grew a lot bigger," Krieger admitted. "And they ate a lot."

"Including their opponents," Pam added.

Krieger shrugged. "In hindsight adding some of Pam's DNA to the fish might not have been the best idea."

"Or setting a whole bunch of them loose in the Hudson River when they made up a rule that it was illegal to use Sea Pams in underground fish fights," Pam added. "Probably shouldn't tell you guys any more details."

"Please **don't** ," Ray groaned.

"Let's just say don't be too shocked if you see any reports about fish with human like faces being pulled out of the Hudson River in the future," Pam said.

"That's a detail Pam," Ray sighed. "What else?"

"The unholy amphibious frog boy hybrid," Krieger spoke up. "Oh wait I shouldn't add to the list…"

"The **WHAT?** " Everyone shouted.

"Technically that one wasn't me," Krieger remembered. "That was my clones back in San Marcos. And odds are it probably got blown up in the lab. Although I don't remember seeing it when Ray and I went back there to check for notes. He could have escaped. Probably didn't. Odds are fifty-fifty actually."

"Is that **what** that giant aquarium was for in the back?" Ray did a double take. "And some of those weird drawings on those chalkboards…?"

Krieger nodded. "You know what? He's probably dead anyway and as I said my clones made him. Not me. So forget I said anything."

"I think we will…" Cyril groaned.

"Yeah definitely going to pretend you never mentioned that," Lana groaned.

"Eww…Frog boys," Cheryl winced. "Wiping it from my mind as we speak."

"Not that hard a job," Ray remarked.

"Our point is Krieger, this sort of thing is your calling card so don't bother trying to deny it! Those stupid robot chickens are yours! I don't even want to know why you brought them here! I just want to know did you finish setting up the surveillance equipment?" Mallory glared at Krieger.

"Oh right," Krieger blinked. "I knew there was something I was supposed to do."

With that Mallory made a frustrated roar. "YOU IDIOT!" She began to slam Krieger with her purse. "OF ALL THE STUPID INCOMPETENT…"

"OWW! OW! OW!" Krieger cringed under the assault. "What is **in** that purse? Buckles?"

"YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS!" Mallory screamed as she stopped hitting Krieger. "I don't know who I hate more! Krieger for failing to install the surveillance equipment, starting a brawl in the bar with the CIA and bringing forth the Cyborg Chicken Apocalypse! Or the **rest of** **you** for **letting** **him!"**

"Krieger," Archer said quickly. "Definitely Krieger."

"Yeah Krieger's to blame," Cyril added very quickly.

"Gotta go with Krieger," Lana admitted.

"Definitely," Ray said.

"All his fault," Pam added.

"DUH!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"No! I blame all of **you!** " Mallory pointed at them. "I blame **all** of you! J'accuse!"

"Well not all of us," Archer began.

"YES ALL OF YOU!" Mallory screamed. "You lot were all supposed to install that surveillance equipment and watch that crazy Kraut! But nooooooooooooooo! You lot were all too busy screwing around and partying with arms dealers to pay any attention!"

"Yeah guys!" Krieger snapped. "You know I need supervision!"

"But even for **you** Krieger this is bad!" Mallory snapped at him. Then hit him again with her purse. "This is a level of perversion and incompetence that even I thought you could never reach!"

"OW!" Krieger winced.

"All you lot had to do was get the surveillance equipment in place so I could spy on those bitches at the Merry Maiden Club, learn their secrets and **blackmail** them!" Mallory shouted. "HOW HARD IS IT TO DO THAT?"

"Apparently it's harder than it looks," Someone said.

"Oh what would **you** know about it you…?" Mallory turned around only to see five elegantly dressed ladies behind her.

"Hello **Mallory,"** The tallest of the women with a hard face in a purple hat and elegant purple dress glared at her.

"Oh…Hello Bunny…" Mallory winced. "Funny joke I just told…"

"Is that like the joke about what you said about your friend Bunny being a few drinks and a bad haircut away from being a lesbian herself?" Cheryl piped up.

"Shut up Cheryl!" Mallory snarled.

"Funny thing. We were all looking for you to tell you that the meeting was obviously cancelled due to the unfortunate events here at the Tuntmore," Bunny glared at Mallory. "And the fact that you forgot to sign your membership check."

"Did I? My mistake," Mallory said sweetly. "Must have just slipped my mind."

"Of course," Bunny glared at Mallory, not falling for it.

"Just out of curiosity, how much did you guys hear exactly?" Pam spoke up.

"Pretty much all of it when we saw those gentlemen walk away," Bunny said.

"Oh. You're screwed," Pam said cheerfully to Mallory. Mallory made a disdainful growl at Pam.

"Mallory. A word. In private. **Now**!" Bunny ordered as she and her clique walked away.

"Oh this is not going to end well," Mallory grumbled to herself.

"No, it is not," Cheryl squealed with glee.

"By the way I need you all to save those magazines you all ordered after you finish reading them," Mallory sighed before she went off. "The way things are going we may have to burn them for heat during the winter."

"Then we will get our money's worth out of them!" Krieger said cheerfully.

"I hate them all…" Mallory grumbled to herself as she walked away. "I hate them all…"

"I'm going to go watch!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "And pour salt in the wound! I wonder if there's still any actual salt left in the kitchen. Ah who cares? Ha! Ha! Ha!" She gleefully went after Mallory.

"Oh you know she's going to be a real bitch to us for all of next week," Ray groaned.

"Week? We're talking **months** here!" Archer groaned.

"As opposed to her _normal cheery self_?" Cyril asked sarcastically.

"Good point," Archer shrugged.

"Way to go guys," Lana grumbled.

"Us?" Ray barked.

"What about **you**?" Pam asked.

"Yeah you're supposed to be the **responsible one**!" Krieger admitted. _"Remember?"_

"What the…? I was with my _daughter!"_ Lana was stunned. "This tiny little helpless baby right **here!** "

"Oh sure, play **that card**!" Ray rolled his eyes.

"I know right?" Archer asked him.

"And she wonders why she's not in charge more often," Cyril agreed.

Lana made a frustrated sound. "I'm going back to my room and get my things! It looks like they're letting people back in now!"

"I'm going back to my room and get some _other things_ ," Pam spoke up. "Like towels, that bathrobe…"

"Oh yeah those are so soft!" Ray admitted.

"Don't forget the stuff from the mini bar," Cyril added.

"Oh my God! I almost did!" Archer was stunned. "I can't believe that!"

"I can't believe you lot are talking about **robbing** the hotel after nearly **destroying it!"** Lana barked. "And as soon as the words came out of my mouth…Literally…as they were coming out…"

"Why not? Since the Cheryl is gonna bill the CIA for them anyway!" Archer shrugged. "And they do have nice towels."

"You gotta get that bathrobe," Ray said. "It is to die for!"

"I'm taking some of the pillows," Pam said. "And I could use some new bedsheets."

"I bet some of those hotel room doors are still open when people evacuated," Krieger said. "We can run in and grab some stuff from other rooms…"

"Yeah I see where you're going with this," Pam nodded. "And since most of the stuff in the penthouse has kind of a burnt body smell in it…"

"We could store whatever we get in my van," Krieger said.

"And divvy up the loot back at the office," Pam agreed.

"So basically it's going to be like San Marcos only without the nerve gas," Cyril said. "I'm in!"

"Me too!" Ray agreed. "I want two of those bathrobes!"

"And a lot of those mini bottles!" Archer said as the group began to go loot. "And those cookies too! They're good! Despite being a rip off!"

"Why not?" Lana sighed as she went after them. "I really could use a new bathrobe."

"We should spend a weekend at a hotel more often," Archer quipped.

"I don't think the hotel industry could survive it," Ray remarked.


End file.
